A Mouthful of Pubes

02/27/2013 4:00 AM |


Dear Audrey,
Is it tacky to reuse nude photos/cock shots? I didn’t think anything of putting a (particularly flattering) picture I’d sent my boyfriend on my Grindr, but then he got all upset, saying he thought I’d taken it just for him and that it was special and now I’d ruined it. What? Is that even a thing?

That is not, to my knowledge, a thing. However, if your boyfriend wants exclusive nudes, I think that’s adorable, and you would be a fool not to accommodate him. After all, pictures of your dick are an infinitely renewable resource. Maybe you should offer to take some together? That would be sweet. This is where I would normally remind you not to take any photos you don’t want on the Internet, but since you are the one putting them there, I have no concerns. Let moodily lighted pictures of your penis and chest overrun this Earth with their bounty!

Dear Audrey,
I recently got adult braces. I know, I know, but it’s only for a year, and Invisalign is so expensive. The problem is that I keep getting hairs caught in them when I give my boyfriend a BJ, which is gross for me and painful for him because it yanks the hair out. I know there are several obvious solutions: clip the hairs or stop giving blow jobs. But my boyfriend doesn’t like to trim because he says it’s itchy, and I really like giving oral. What are we not thinking of? Or will I just have to give up blow jobs until these stupid braces come off?

Oh, braces. I wore those fuckers for seven years (though as a kid, so no BJs). I am a firm believer in kissing someone after they go down on you, but pubey braces really complicates that. For someone into pain, the plucking might be cool, but aesthetically, hairy braces are just a nonstarter.

I can think of a couple ideas, but I don’t know if any of them are ideal. First, and most obvious to me, is to send your boyfriend to the waxing salon. It’s expensive and somewhat painful, but it doesn’t itch like shaving/trimming does, and chicks are expected to grit their teeth and wax that shit off so I’m sure he can deal. It’s really not that bad, especially if you pop an ibuprofen first.

Second idea is to just suck the tip. I know that sounds sort of sad, but if you grip the base of his penis with your hand, you can go up and down on the rest of the shaft without having to worry about getting near any hair, and the gripping will make it still feel like a legit blow job. Or if that doesn’t appeal to you, maybe sort of holding the hair down around the base with your palms? I don’t know, that could sort of work, right?

Lastly, maybe your orthodontist can give you some kind of brace guard. Back in my French-horn-playing days they gave us wax to shove in there, but I think now there is a more advanced plastic shield sort of thing. I feel certain you can come up with a reason why you need it that sounds more tooth-doctor-friendly than giving blow jobs. And word to the wise: when the braces come off, wear your retainer! My teeth went back to crooked the minute I stopped wearing mine.

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