Recently, I went on road trip across Florida with my oldest buds. Somewhere halfway down the Panhandle, I realized I’d had sex with most of them. Actually, we all participated in a very messy six-way in college. How do you have casual sex without any casualties? In this case the more the merrier got us all out alive.
I went to a school with only 600 people. In a place that small there are few surprises. Every Saturday night resembled the one before it, until suddenly you’re staring at your roommate and thinking “Would I fuck you?” (In the name of keg-stands, boredom, and experimentation, I did. God bless America.)
We had gone to an off-campus party looking for adventure, and we found nothing but a couple of stoners drinking Beast in their back yard. Disappointed, we rattled our brains for how to save the rest of the night. I said, “We could always have an orgy.” I meant it as a joke, but as soon as I spoke, it became a mission. “Fuck this party, we’re gonna fuck each other,” became our war cry, and we scrambled back to campus as fast as we could.
Among the participants were Claire and Mark, the only real couple in the group. Claire was a power house at 5 feet tall and the alpha in the relationship. Mark was a lovable teddy-bear who found his hedonistic desires validated by post-structuralism. They were great together and we all envied their happiness. Then there was Benny, Kenny, (honestly their names rhymed) and Margo. Benny was in love with Kenny. He confessed late one night when I wondered into his room to get high. It was a shocking secret. Benny and Kenny were best friends who did everything together, including starting their band, Clitastic. Also, Benny was not officially out. He and Margo were infamous for hiding in the library after it was locked and fucking in the romance language section. She wanted to get him back under those book cases as fast as she could, but Benny only wanted his bassist/best bro. Kenny was clueless about everything. Though he had his own secret: Kenny was a virgin. Just like Benny’s love for Kenny was unavowed, so too was Kenny’s innocence. These were my best friends and I was about to fuck their brains out.
For the first 25 minutes it went, it was Claire and Mark on me, Margo and Benny on Kenny. Then, Mark and Margo on Claire, Benny and me on Kenny. It could have been a 4th grader’s math homework. Inevitably, the tag-teaming stopped and people started to pair off. Claire and Mark left the group to do their thing on a bean bag chair. Margo seduced Benny away from Kenny and into the top bunk. It was up to me to take Kenny. Kenny never let on how inexperienced he was. In hindsight he really didn’t have to do much as I was in a bossy phase.
Then a dude named Carl wondered in uninvited. Carl weighed about 60 pounds and had a Weezer tattoo on his back. He shuffled into the room and said, “Hey guys, what are you… Oh my God.” We ignored him, hoping he would get the message there wasn’t any room at this inn.
He did not get the message. I was happily having my nipples bitten when I opened my eyes and saw Carl polishing his rocket in the corner. I love performing, but this was the weirdo I saw picking his nose in our Faulkner class every Tuesday.
I sat up on my elbows and gently pushed Kenny’s head away. The whole room stopped as I gave Carl the stink eye. I raised my left eyebrow and stopped blinking for what felt like minutes. Finally, he pulled up his pants and said, “I gotta go. This is making me really uncomfortable.”
After Carl left, a malaise settled over the dorm room. Everyone lost their sexy sheen and came back into focus. I had class with these people. We ate fast food together, and went home to each other’s parents’ houses on Thanksgiving. Would everything be fucked tomorrow?
The next day we piled into Claire’s used toyota and went downtown. We were sheepish and gentle with each other, not making eye contact and keeping the conversation to a minimum.
Mark broke the ice, “When I saw Carl in the corner all I could think of was that’s what it’s like to fuck Puck from the “Real World” San Francisco.” He got a few chuckles. Claire said, “His fingers are so dirty, I wanted him to wear a hand condom while he jacked off.” Kenny laughed so hard his diet coke came out of his nose. Shit talking a person can really bring a group.
Mark slapped Kenny’s knee and said, “ Shit man, I can’t believe you had your first with 4 people.”
Margo yelled from the back seat, “The first 7 times you have sex are pretty awkward, so you got a major bargain.”
Claire looked in the rearview mirror, “Maybe we should have all waited till college to lose our V cards.”
Benny blew smoke out the window, “A 6 way at age 20 beats losing it with the manager of a Publix at 15, that’s for sure.”
It was our “Big Chill” moment.
Having experienced my fair share of hurt feelings on both sides of the casual sex equation — I’m not sure how we got away with it. And, I’m not going to tempt fate by trying it again. I guess part of protecting your feelings is knowing who not to sleep with. For better or worse, during our last reunion there was no sexual tension. Sometimes that’s boring, but in a friendship, I’ll take stability over incest any day. I love them. They’re all trustworthy people, but thankfully, they aren’t lustworthy.