I’m Not Just One Of Your Many (Sex) Toys

03/27/2013 4:00 AM |

Dear Audrey,
I’ve been seeing this new girl (I am also a woman). Sex with her is great, except that it is always so complicated. She has this enormous arsenal of sex toys, which seem to become the focus of our sex. Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but my style is much simpler. I don’t mind incorporating toys, but I tend to think “let’s have sex” rather than “let’s try out my fancy dildo.” Are we just incompatible?

Well, as you know, people like what they like. If that’s just her thing—“Oh yeah, Sarah? The one with all those butt plugs on her shelf?”—then you can love it or leave it. On the other hand, I don’t know, maybe she’s insecure in her abilities and trying to obscure bad sex technique with a barrage of pricey consumables. Like those guys who buy $1,500 immersion circulators because they don’t know how to cook a steak.

While it’s definitely odd that she centers your sex life around her objects in lieu of your two bodies, and I can see why you don’t like it, it would be kind of awesome to have a war chest of sex matériel on hand. Bottom line, if it bugs you, talk to her about it. Perhaps you can reframe the toy inclusion in a way that makes both of you happy. She may not even realize that she’s kind of dehumanizing you in her excitement about her stuff. And if it doesn’t work out, she can clearly take care of herself after you’re gone, so no worries.

Dear Audrey,
I’ll start by saying I’m pretty new to sex—I only lost my virginity six months ago. I’ve recently started hooking up with this girl who is much more experienced than I am. She has this little bullet vibrator she really likes me to use on her. It’s about the size of a AAA battery. I mostly use it on her clit, but I cannot stop worrying that I am somehow going to lose it in her vagina. I remember hearing about a girl in high school who lost the string on her tampon and had to go to the hospital. Can that happen? Am I just an idiot?

In short: yes, you are an idiot. That is not how vaginas work. I know that for you, as a new sex-haver, pussies seem like endless magical caves of wonder, but I assure you they’re finite. Though the vaginal canal is quite expansive when it wants to be (babies, fisting) everything dead-ends at the cervix. Anything that gets shoved up in the vagina is easily retrieved with fingers, generally. The cervix does open—minimally during orgasm, maximally during childbirth—but there is really no logical “losing a slippery vibe up there” scenario.

Especially if your gal doesn’t have any kids, the amount her cervix is ever opening is very, very small. Have you seen an IUD? Google it. They’re pretty tiny, and getting one of those up through the cervix of a childless woman is vicodin-before-the-gyno-level painful. You need not worry about losing your lady’s vibe into her mysterious depths. But since you are a child who has grown up with the advantage of the Internet, I urge you to do some research into women’s plumbing. It’s only polite to have the vaguest idea of how your partner’s body works. And seriously, don’t you want to know what exactly you’re sticking your dick into?

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