Sex, Meh

05/22/2013 4:00 AM |

Dear Audrey,
I’m a 22-year-old male. I think I must be a cyborg, because I am completely uninterested in sex. I tried in college to get interested in girls and even had sex once. It was ok, I guess, but just didn’t really excite me. I tried being attracted to other guys but that hasn’t taken hold either. For a while I was forcing myself to masturbate, but I didn’t enjoy it at all, and finally I gave up.

Whenever my friends talk about blue balls or how they go crazy after not having sex for a long time, I can’t identify at all. That part of my brain just feels completely numb. I even saw a therapist, because I thought I might be depressed. The doctor put me on Lexapro, but that didn’t change it either. I’m just not interested. I have a great social life, I have a good job and I’m generally happy—I just have zero interest in sex or even love. I love my parents and I love my friends, and I even “love” my dog from childhood, but it’s hard for me to understand a concept of love that is exclusive to one person and that involves sex. It makes me worry that I’m a psycho or something. I lie to my friends and tell them I do OkCupid, even though I don’t. What should I do?

Well, first of all, “psycho” is not the preferred nomenclature, and it doesn’t sound to me like you have a personality disorder—I would hope your therapist would’ve noticed that! From your description, it sounds to me like you might be asexual, though of course, that’s for you to decide. Have you considered this possibility at all?

There are all different kinds of asexual identities and as many ways to be asexual as there are to be sexual. is a great place to start researching. I hate to use the word “normal” to apply to questions of sexual preference or non-preference, because really being normal is not and should not be the goal for people. Happy and healthy and fulfilled is way more important than normative. That said, though asexuality has a much lower cultural profile than variations in sexuality like queerness or kink, it is completely “normal” in the sense that some people are just wired that way, and it’s nothing to try and “fix.”

This might be the beginning of a long journey for you, identity-wise, which is scary sometimes. But I also think this could be really awesome. Read about asexuality, talk to some asexual-identified people, and see if anything clicks.

Dear Audrey,
This is not a question, more of a PSA: I gave birth eight months ago, and I’m still incontinent because of a pelvic floor collapse. It really, really sucks! All during my pregnancy, I did Kegels religiously to help prevent this very problem. After I gave birth, my doctor kept saying to do more Kegels. I did Kegels all freaking day to no avail. Finally, I went to a new physical therapist, and he told me to help (and prevent) pelvic floor problems, you have to do squats (like weightlifting squats), not Kegels. So pregnant ladies, take heed! Do Kegels if you want, but do squats too! Don’t end up in a diaper for no reason like I did.

Ok, noted! Pregnant friends, you’ve been warned.

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