Boys’ Toys

09/24/2014 4:00 AM |

Dear Audrey, I’m a boring straight guy. I’m dating the most amazing woman who I am continually surprised is into me. She’s younger, hotter, bi, and way more sexually liberated than I am. I think she enjoys opening my mind to the possibilities of sex. Recently she told me she had a present for me, and I’m thinking some kind of cool toy or restraint or something—she has a war chest like you would not believe. It was a Fleshlight. I was insulted and told her so. Her argument was that she has all these vibrators and dildos, and she knows I masturbate, so why not give me something just for me? I said only losers and sad men have fake vaginas. She said I was close-minded and a prude. We had a big fight about it. What am I supposed to do here?

Get down on your knees and thank your lucky stars they’ve delivered you such a quality lady willing to sex you and learn you at the same time. Then while on knees apologize and also do sex stuff of your choosing.

Like okay, Cornelius Bear, I get that you’re an old-fashioned gentleman who jac ks it like the framers intended, with whale tallow and a monogrammed hanky. But you have to admit that there’s a weird double standard when it comes to sex toys: Women get to use whatever fun stuff they want, but we snicker at guys who enjoy masturbatory aids. Why? Lots of reasons that boil down to the patriarchy hurting men too (P.S. SMASH THE PATRIARCHY).

Whether you’ll ever evolve to the point of accepting Fleshlights (or we’ll ever, as a society, since I admit to finding Fleshlights pretty funny but it’s the “hiding your pocket pussy as a flashlight/beer can” that gets me), the mistake you are making is focusing on the gift in particular and not on the situation in general, from a manners perspective.

Imagine if instead of a sex toy, she had surprised you with a piece of jewelry that was both expensive and not particularly to your taste. You might feel a mild twinge of “She thinks I would like this? Does she even know me? Or does my style not come across like I think it does?” but you would never open the package and throw an immediate fit that she’d gotten you something you didn’t like. That would be unimaginably rude. And yet that’s what you’ve done here!

She bought you something as a love gift that wasn’t exactly what you’d get yourself and instead of thanking her profusely and putting it in a special drawer and never using it but still having it for her to find if she ever happens to be looking in your drawer for some reason, so that she feels flattered that you’re keeping her gift close, you’ve thrown her thoughtfulness back in her face. Not only not said thank you, but complained that her nice gesture has insulted you. Plus, if she sees no difference between Fleshlights and vibrators, you’ve made it seem as though you find HER masturbatory aids tasteless and yucky.

Masturbation, like jewelry, tends to be a pretty personal thing and it’s hard to buy stuff for someone you haven’t known forever. She took a risk, and is probably questioning whether your difference in worldview is too much. So surprise her with a nice gesture and heartfelt apology in your style, and be grateful for what you’ve got.