Eat Me: Sex with the Natural Redhead

12/03/2014 6:45 AM |
Illustration by Rachel Clark


Dear Audrey,

I’m a lucky lady with a gorgeous girlfriend who is getting into bodybuilding. In almost every way, this is awesome, except that she’s really stressing about getting lean for competition. My girl loves to eat, and we spend a lot of time cooking together and whatnot, so limiting her diet is hard for her. A while ago, we switched to natural/food-based lubes like olive or coconut oil. Recently it occurred to her that the calories from that might be messing with her diet, so I told her sex-related calories “don’t count” because you work them off in sex. Whatever, the amount of coconut oil actually going into her mouth has to be minimal. But so now she’s suddenly really into food play, licking whipped cream off me, or chocolate sauce, or whatever. This has never been a part of our thing. I don’t have a problem with it except that I worry that maybe sugary stuff like that will mess with her diet after a while? I want her to follow her bodybuilding dreams. Also, I guess I do feel a little weird that she is working out her food issues with our sex life. Is that unfair?


Ah ha ha ha. Whipped cream, the forbidden fruit. Your girlfriend sounds awesome, and I wish her lots of luck in her bodybuilding career. As far as feeling guilty for fucking up her diet, she’s an adult and she knows what she’s doing. I’m sure she understands that there is no such thing as calories that “don’t count.” 

I do think that unless she’s sticking a cupcake in front of your vagina and chomping her way through it every time you get busy (which, Cosmo has that donut dick blowjob so hey, free sex idea somebody) I can’t imagine she’s ingesting enough of anything to really make a difference. You guys would have to be licking whipped cream off each other multiple times a day for that to really start to add up, calorie-wise. The amount of showers and surface cleanup that would require would make it impractical before it got fattening, I’d think.

As to your second question, I guess that is sort of strange. I mean, in some ways it’s flattering, I think? Either it’s that she’s combining her
favorite things—sugar and you—as the ultimate in pleasure, or she is currently viewing sweets as so taboo that it’s sexually exiting to indulge in them. Whichever it is, it seems less like her working out her food issues on your sex life and more like her just finding new ways to have fun.

I think if this were a regular weight loss diet (oh excuse me, “lifestyle change”) and she was focusing so intensely on food, I might be concerned. But since she’s just doing this for a short-term goal, and she’s open about how it sucks and she just has to cut calories to get lean for competition, and presumably will go back to being the fun omnivore you know and love after she competes, I’d say don’t overthink it and just have fun with the extra licking.

If it does get tiresome at some point, you’re completely within your rights to be like honey, go eat a fucking ice cream sundae and come back when you’re ready to fuck. Who knows though, maybe this food thing will open up whole new horizons for the both of you.