Sex with the Natural Redhead: Sweet Action

01/28/2015 1:51 PM |
Illustration by Lutkie

Dear Audrey,

I read on the Internet that if you eat pineapple it makes your cum taste better. As a guy who likes it when women swallow, I think it’s only polite that I do whatever I can to make the taste more pleasant. How much pineapple do I need to make a difference? Should I eat some every day or what?

Hold on, let me pull out my Journal of Comparative Jizz Flavor and see what the most recent studies are saying. Oh sugar, I must have let my subscription lapse. Asking your old buddy the Internet, I get everything from “some” to “a glass of juice a day” to “with every meal.”

The consensus seems to be some is good and more is better, and if you can time it with the meal just prior to your blowjob, you’re golden. I will say this, though: I don’t think this matters as much as people on the Internet want it to matter.

In my experience, semen is one of those things like cough syrup or fluoride, where a really hideous flavor stands out for sure, but even “better” flavors are still not particularly delicious. That’s okay because deliciousness is not the point. It just kind of slides right down; it’s not like anyone is swishing it around and making tasting notes. Best case scenario, jizz tastes like jizz and that’s fine. No matter how much fruit you eat, nobody’s sucking your dick for the flavor experience.

The exception to that, of course, is if your cum tastes actively bad. I (knock wood) (ha ha) have never personally encountered this, but I’m told that some men produce semen that tastes rotten or stinky or some other disgusting way. If this is you, then yes, you need to be hitting that pineapple hard! A mouthful of rotten-tasting jizz would be a deal-breaker instantaneously. Blarf, ick, bleah, ugh, bleck. That is the kind of thing that will definitely get around, and definitely hurt your chances of ever getting laid again.

It’s my understanding that, if not due to a medical condition, stink jizz is usually the result of a shitty diet/lifestyle in general. Too much red meat, too much liquor, cigarettes, trash meals, not enough fruits and vegetables, that kind of thing. I assume anyone whose diet is terrible enough to curdle their cum will be experiencing other symptoms as well (garbage guts, nightmare poops, grease sweats, etc.). I would hope that person would start eating better for non-jizz reasons too?

But yeah, if you’re not sure if this is you, or if you’ve ever had a complaint, you need to act right away. If you’re worried, just give it a sniff next time you’ve got some lying around. That should give you a good idea if you’ve got a problem. Anything beyond a clean, mineral, jizzy smell is definitely something you need to address ASAP. Clean up your life and get right with food, and sure, eat some pineapple, couldn’t hurt.

Basically, it’s nice that you’re trying to make the experience of sucking your dick as pleasant as possible, but if nothing’s actively wrong with your semen (and by extension, your entire food-processing ecosystem) then I don’t think you really need to worry about the pineapple.

If you want to optimize your dick for sucking, just shower frequently, eat a balanced diet, keep your pubes to a reasonable level, and, most importantly: reciprocate, reciprocate, reciprocate.