Sex with the Natural Redhead: Friendly Fire

03/25/2015 7:37 AM |


Dear Audrey,
I (a guy) and another male friend are both friends with benefits with a third (female) friend. She and I have great, fun sex and I never really thought more about it. Then I was out for drinks with the other guy and we started talking about our mutual hookup buddy. It came out that with him she is super freaky and into all kinds of fetish stuff, while we have just pretty “normal” sex. I’m not a jealous person but for some reason this hurt my feelings, which is stupid, I know. Even more stupidly, the next time she and I hung out I drank too much and brought it up to her. I’m not sure what I was hoping for—maybe an explanation? In my mind it was all about why she didn’t see me that way. Instead she got FURIOUS that we were talking about her and yelled at me, ended our relationship, and told me she was going to end her relationship with other friend too. So now he’s mad at me which is dumb because this is half his fault. I guess I just assumed most people talk to their friends about their sex lives and it was no big deal. Anyway, I know I fucked up, but how do I make it right? Furthermore, how do I stop worrying that something about me says “vanilla” to women who are into interesting stuff?


Sir, you’re in luck, because the solution to both of your problems is the same: Stop thinking about yourself for one goddamn second and think about someone else’s feelings for once in your life.

I’m not sure you’ll ever be able to repair your relationship with your female friend, but at the very least you owe her a heartfelt apology. Don’t write it until you really understand what you’re apologizing for. Do you really not see the difference between oversharing with friends about your sex life and complaining to a woman you’re hooking up with that you aren’t getting the same as your friend and it’s not fair?

It should go without saying that she is more than free to do what she wants with whomever she wants and owes no explanations to anyone. But like, did you ever consider that your friend might have suggested some of the things they did together because he liked to do them? That he talked to her about her desires, then they worked together to fulfill them? That perhaps they found a mutual interest in a certain kink and were exploring it together? That he put some effort into it?

Or do you assume all sex is just a woman looking a guy up and down and deciding that he is going to “get” this or that particular sex act? What did you bring to the equation? Maybe think less about what you are “owed” and more about what you can offer next time.

I personally hate the adolescent/gamified idea of sex where the “more” a woman “lets” you do the better the sex is/the more points you earned. It’s gross and misogynistic and weird, yet it is pervasive and it seems like your sexual worldview is heavily informed by it. Fix that, and I guarantee your sex life will improve.

As far as your guy friend goes, if you can’t understand the difference between what he did and what you did, I doubt he’ll be your friend for much longer. •

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