Sex with the Natural Redhead: Splash Zone

03/11/2015 6:53 AM |
Illustration by Lutkie


Dear Audrey,

My girlfriend and I have found ourselves having fun with water sports lately. So far, it’s been a tub thing. I would like to surprise her by bringing it into the bedroom, but without destroying the bed, obviously. She is a person with nice sheets and stuff, and would be sad if I ruined her things. What’s the setup I need here?

Your number one priority is to protect the mattress. Pee can pretty successfully be washed out of most things, but once you get something in your mattress, you’re fucked. Do you have any friends with small children? Take a look at their kid’s beds next time you visit, because you better believe that shit is pee-proofed.

There are all kinds of zip-on mattress covers that are designed to protect a bed from getting damaged by bodily fluids. Some of these are more crinkly-sounding than others. If you’re going to leave it on all the time and not just when you’re planning a pee party, get a nice one that won’t make noise when you sleep.

If your lady is emotionally attached to her sheets, or you know them to be expensive, buy a backup set for peeing on. Like I said, pee should come out in the wash no problem, but sometimes the emotional attachment to fine linens is not logical. Everything else you can probably just wipe up? I don’t know if there is spraying involved in whatever you’re up to, but, if so, evacuate the pillows and/or get them waterproof covers too. Definitely move anything that is a decorative throw pillow-type thing out of the splash zone. People who are serious about decorative throw pillows will not hesitate to cut you for fucking up their pillowscapes. You do not want to know how much those things cost.

If you have a fabric headboard, I’m not sure what to tell you; I find fabric headboards weird. A tarp? Plastic sheeting? Saran wrap? That would ruin the surprise but I have no idea how you clean piss out of a fabric headboard because, like I said, I don’t care for them.

Have fun peeing on each other, and as long as your mattress is safe, don’t stress too much. It’s just pee.

Dear Audrey,

I, a guy in my early 20s, recently got with an older woman, and it was amazing. I think I am going to start going after cougars specifically, especially since they, unlike girls my age, don’t care that I’m kind of broke. What should I do to make myself more attractive cougar bait?

This may surprise you to learn, but women, even the kind of women who have the audacity to become old and yet remain attractive and attracted to younger men, are actual human beings, with the full range of opinions and preferences one would expect from a person. So probably, each individual cougar will be attracted to something different, just like how people are.

Based on your email, I’m going to say that you’re most likely to be successful with women who are looking for a man who is young and sort of dumb. So probably you can just keep doing whatever you’re doing? I dunno, good abs never hurt anybody. Take a shower at least once a day. Be kind, and make sure you’re excellent at fucking. Have good dental hygiene. Tip at least 20 percent. Pay your taxes. Wear sunscreen. Drink plenty of water.