Dear Audrey,
I have done the sex version of the thing where you’re trying to be polite about a food you don’t like and the maker of said food becomes convinced it’s your favorite and always makes it for you. Early in our relationship, the woman I was dating (who is now my pretty serious girlfriend) showed up to our date in crotchless panties and a shelf bra. She kept kind of flashing them at me during the date, which was incredibly hot, and we later fucked up against the wall of a dimly lighted street—also wildly hot. Unfortunately what she took away from this was that I found her lingerie incredibly sexy, which is not the case. I found the teasing and the public sex amazing, and I love what crotchless panties allow you to do in public, but if we are in the bedroom, I’d rather just see her naked you know? There’s also this one lacy bit on one of her pairs of panties (yes, she has multiple pairs now because I “like them so much”) that rubs on my dick and hurts it. She refuses to take off the panties when we have sex because “that’s what’s fun about it.” At this point, I cannot tell her that I find crotchless panties sort of silly. How do I fix this? I could see myself marrying this woman; will I be stuck with this forever?
Have you considered the idea that your girlfriend is the one who finds her panties sexy? I mean sure, you being into them probably contributes to that, but perhaps she’d want to fuck in her split drawers whether or not it was doing something for you because it gets her off for some reason? Just something to consider.
But so, if you decide this lady is the one for you, are you staring down a future of lace-abraded penis shafts and squished-by-side-panel labia? Perhaps not. Here’s what I suggest. Find out her bra and panty size and go to a very expensive underwear store and purchase her a getup that you’d be excited to see and peel off her. I’m not talking Victoria’s Secret, I mean like Agent Provocateur or somesuch. Don’t cheap out, you’re investing in your dick’s future.
Find a set that legit gets you horny and buy it. I cannot stress enough how important it is to have her actual correct sizes, so snoop in her underwear drawer and make extra sure. My casual research has led me to believe that many men truly don’t understand women’s underwear sizing, and nothing ruins a lingerie gift like it not fitting. Surprise her with the gift—not for her birthday or anniversary or anything, just because. Say, “I know you love lingerie and I love seeing you in it, so I thought I’d get you something that I know you’ll look incredible in.” Or whatever. Say it in a nice and non-cheesy way.
This is the moment of truth: See how she reacts to the non-split panty gift. If she’s like, “Oh, I thought you preferred the crotchless?” You can politely say, “They’re great, but I like all kinds. Let’s try these.” Then if crotchless is her thing, she’ll tell you. You will then have to decide if you can live with that or not. Otherwise, this will be money well spent. Admire your lady in her heart-stoppingly expensive undies, then strip ‘em off.