The Petty Perils of Monogamy

07/16/2015 9:46 AM |


Dear Audrey,

I’m a bi woman. I love sex, and have a reputation of being very forward among my friends, which is stupid. If I were a guy, nobody would think twice about it. But generally, if I want to get with someone, I ask bluntly. I also don’t personally do monogamy, but I do respect others’ relationships. I have never knowingly pursued someone who was in a monogamous thing. So a few weeks ago, a group of old, close school friends all took a trip to the beach for a long weekend. One of the women, who has been married for a long time to a man, revealed that her husband had given her the “weekend off” of their marriage as part of a thing to liven up their sex life. I have always felt that there was sort of a spark between us, and, after double-checking that her partner was cool with this, we had a weekend fling. Fast forward to last weekend and I hear that she’s getting divorced and her husband is telling everyone it’s my fault. Apparently he didn’t think she’d get with a woman and was angry and weirded out, and I guess because of my reputation, he’s sort of implying that I pushed her into it, which is NOT TRUE. I’ve definitely always gotten the vibe that she was into chicks, so it’s weird that he didn’t feel the same? Anyway, she has not leapt to my defense, and I’m pissed. Several friends are taking his “side” on Facebook and this whole thing is just so childish. What do I do? Do I defend myself? This is exactly why I don’t fuck with monogamy. I now know not to sleep with anyone on a hall pass or whatever, but I don’t feel like I can let the implication that I took advantage of her somehow just sit there.

I’m sorry that you’re finding out the hard way that some people you had thought were your friends aren’t your friends after all. Not that it matters, but from everything you’ve said, it sounds like their marriage was going down the tubes anyway. It’s incredibly shitty of your hall pass friend to let you take the blame for her marriage falling apart—she should be making sure everyone understood that your fling was consensual and wanted.

To be honest, they both sound like selfish, childish assholes who are enjoying distracting themselves from their failing marriage by stirring up a bunch of shit. None of this is fair or your fault, but maybe this is a great time to take stock of those old friendships and stop hanging out with anyone who doesn’t respect and love you for who you are. It sounds like you already face a lot of judgey-ness for doing life the way you want. Why do you even like hanging out with people like that? I think it’s the perfect time to let some of those old friendships die.

I know it would be satisfying to go on FB and write a rebuttal/play-by-play, but honestly I think that would give them exactly what they want: more over-the-top drama to roll around in. Instead, correct anyone who says anything to you, maybe talk to a few of your closer friends about it, and let the gossip mill do the work for you. The people who stick by you are the only ones you really want in your life anyway.