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Dear Audrey,

I’m not sure what advice you can even give here, but I would seriously love any insight you can provide, as this problem has been making my sex life puzzling and miserable. I’m a happily single, horny woman. Generally, when I want to get laid, I go to a bar or on Tinder and find someone, hook up, and that’s it. It’s a great system. Only I have had four different dudes experience extreme dick dysfunction in the last few months. To the point where I’m starting to wonder if it’s me somehow?

I totally get that ED is a problem that guys are ashamed of but shouldn’t be and I’m all for being like hey, it happens, no worries. But several of these dudes fessed up to the fact that they’ve been having ongoing issues with it, and one got all weepy, and one wanted to “just talk” instead of fucking. Uh, no, I’m not your girlfriend. Why, why, why would you respond to someone just looking for sex knowing your dick doesn’t work? And if you do, or if you’re just rolling the dice and hoping this time it will be okay, shouldn’t you at least work to get me off with your hands and mouth, instead of expecting me to sit and listen to you talk about your problems for an hour? I’m not your wife and I’m not a sex worker.

The first few times I was really nice about it, like wow, this poor guy, I bet he feels embarrassed. But it’s gotten so frequent that I’m starting to get pissed! Dudes of Brooklyn, stop wasting my time!

Hi, friends, I am sharing this missive because this isn’t the first time I’ve heard this story. I don’t know if there’s something in the water, but I have several single friends who have had similar situations unfold. Please don’t misunderstand: I completely get that penises can be tricky, and there are a million things that can make them shy.

However, this is not just the occasional unfortunate whiskey dick or unfamiliar situation killing a boner. These are guys who know there is a good chance they won’t be able to get it up getting together with a person looking for sex, and then expecting that person to forego their sex for a counseling session.

I know for a fact that you don’t need a functioning dick to have sex with someone. There are hundreds of non-dick ways to get a woman off. And obviously, consent can evolve, nobody owes anybody sex, just because you met up with a woman looking to get laid doesn’t mean you have consented to sexual activity. OBVIOUSLY.

But if you are one of these entitled jokers who shows up at someone’s place to get busy and then when things don’t go as expected, assume that your no-strings-attached partner wants to hear about your ex/history of boner problems/whatever, get a fucking grip. This is not how casual sex works! Maybe I’m off-base but this seems to me like another way women are expected to perform emotional labor for free all the time.

Okay, that’s all. Just wanted to get this out there. People who occasionally have a shy boner, I’m not talking to you, don’t stress. These guys know who they are and to them I say: Quit being cheap, if you want an hour of someone’s time, pay a therapist or a sex worker.