Welcome to our biweekly feature in which I, Gary, The L’s wooden goose, shall answer the questions asked of Audrey Ference, The Natural Redhead, in the current issue of the L.

Dear Audrey Gary,
My friend claims her boyfriend (who has problems with erectile dysfunction) came even though he was soft. This goes against everything I understand about how penises work. Can that happen? Or did he just pee in her or something?

Well, it’s possible, so it appears that there are limits to what you understand about how penises work. To rectify (heh) this and perhaps other gaps in your knowledge of how penises work, I recommend going to your local library and seeing if they have a copy of How Penises Work, by Dr. Richmond Fallis (if they don’t have it your librarian may be able to arrange for an inter-library loan).

Dear Audrey Gary,
I have a friend who is always telling me all these crazy sex stories, like hooking up with totally inappropriate people or having unprotected sex with strangers while drunk and weeping or any number of nutty things. On the one hand, she is someone who is prone to exaggerating things and likes to see herself as an unfettered wild child; on the other hand, she does make bad decisions a lot, and can be kind of unbalanced. At what point is it my responsibility to say something to her?

Well, your “friend” should know that having unprotected sex with strangers is dangerous, and that if “she” is going to continue to get drunk and behave impulsively then “she” should take precautions beforehand, like being on the pill and having condoms handy at all times. But ultimately it sounds like “she” should probably use a sustained period of reflection.

Welcome to our biweekly feature in which I, Gary, The L’s wooden goose, shall answer the questions asked of Audrey Ference, The Natural Redhead, in the current issue of the L.

Dear Audrey Gary,
So I’ve been seeing this guy for the better part of three months. No complaints about the sex itself, however the rubbers he’s been using (several types, all normal size) keep slipping off. Frankly, I’m not too happy about having to remember to slip my hand down to the scene of the crime while we’re at it just to make sure his jammies are still on. I mean, it makes me seem paranoid for one thing, but it’s also just unnerving. So my question is, have you ever heard of small (as opposed to regular or cucumber-sized) condoms? I realize condom makers might think that labeling their wares as "extra snug" might exacerbate the stigma of small dicks, but this is kind of a serious issue that I’d prefer solving with mild embarrassment at the drugstore over suddenly realizing I’m pregnant — or infected with something.

Dear madam, or sir, it is remarkably sensitive and judicious of you, how you make the issue the practical one of condom size and sexual difficulties, while deftly sidestepping mention of your partner’s sad little Mike and Ike-sized dick. You seem like a real catch, is what I’m saying, so it’s no surprise that your gentlemen friend is so afraid that you’ll find out he has a small penis and leave him.

Dear Audrey Gary,
Up until recently, I had only been with girls. Now my boyfriend wants to try fisting, but I’m not used to big hands like his — can I actually be injured or will my body adjust?

Wait, you want your boyfriend to punch you during sex? That sounds potentially more physically hurtful than your standard-issue S&M, but I suppose if you’re careful about safe words, have a lot of ice handy, and stick mostly to body blows rather than head shots, than it should be ok to… What? Oh. Oh.

Welcome to our biweekly feature in which I, Gary, The L’s wooden goose, shall answer the questions asked of Audrey Ference, The Natural Redhead, in the current issue of the L.

Dear Audrey Gary,

Thanks. And sorry if this is a dumb question — I went to Sex Ed in the South.

Did you also go to school in the South? Or did you just head down there for the Sex Ed? In any case, yes, it’s safe, it’s perfectly safe. To calm yourself down and enjoy it like you used to, I suggest that you confirm to your satisfaction that it’s safe. Which it is. That should do it.

If that doesn’t calm you down, well. The Pill, humanity’s greatest invention, is more than 99% effective when used properly. But it may be that you are one of those worryworts who’s forever destined to think “whatifwe’retheexception, whatifwe’retheexception, whatifwe’retheexception” to the rhythm of every thrust.

Dear Audrey Gary,

I had more sex in one month than I have had in the past three years. Is there any way to have a normal sex life with someone who is S.A.?

Probably there is, although seeking out recovering sex addicts, inducing them into relapse, and then bragging about it to strangers would probably not be the way I would go about it. Personally. (Goosily?)

Welcome to our biweekly feature in which I, Gary, The L’s wooden goose, shall answer the questions asked of Audrey Ference, The Natural Redhead, in the current issue of the L.

Dear Audrey Gary,
Two of my buddies have confessed to being into licking their girls’ asses. This can’t be real. They say yeah, after the girl takes a bath they’re into it. I’m dumbfounded! I get anal penetration — but this is a whole other ballgame. What’s next, shit-flavored mints?! Really, what’s wrong with people? Would you want your ass to be licked?

Yes. Of course! Next question.

Dear Audrey Gary,
In the arena of meeting people, the easiest places are where communities form, i.e. universities, the office, etc. I’m a single bloke of, you know, moderate attractiveness. But recently I’ve left school and have been pursuing freelance work. I work in an ever-changing environment and closely with only a very few individuals. Basically, my community has been eradicated, and for the most part I operate in more isolated terms than most. Friends have turned to online dating to help or, with a bit more defeat, getting one of those "at-home-fun-packs." So here’s my question: in a city of this magnitude, it shouldn’t be hard to get dates, but it is — why so? Suggestions for all us freelancers out there?

Well, first of all, all of my best wishes as you attempt to secure freelance work in this difficult economic climate.

The great irony of this situation, of course, is that the very reason you’re having trouble meeting people — that is, a lack of regular employment — is also the reason you can’t take the simplest course of action to solving your problem: that is, paying for sex. It’s a “Catch-22”!

My advice is to find regular employment, as a male prostitute.

Welcome to our biweekly feature in which I, Gary, The L’s wooden goose, shall answer the questions asked of Audrey Ference, The Natural Redhead, in the current issue of the L.

Dear Audrey Gary,
Sometimes when I’m about to have an orgasm, I get a really painful cramp in one or both feet, such that I have to stop what I’m doing and go "Ow, my foot!" and shake and/or rub it out, which pretty much ruins the moment for everyone involved. What could be causing this? Is there anything I can do to stop it? Should I just try to ignore it in the hopes that the orgasm will happen anyway and make me forget about the horrible, shooting pain in my foot?

Dear sir or madam (I genuinely do not no which! This is by far the most gender-neutral question I have ever answered!), as you can imagine I have never, in my many years of lovemaking, encountered such a problem. Because I am a goose. Because I have webbed feet. Also I am made out of wood, and not real.

Anyhoo, I dunno. If I had to guess I would say that this pre-orgasm cramp is god’s way of reminding you that if He wanted you to enjoy sex, He would have made it more like Parcheesi.

Welcome to our weekly feature in which I, Gary, The L’s wooden goose, shall answer the questions asked of Audrey Ference, The Natural Redhead, in the current issue of the L.

Dear Audrey Gary,
A letter you received from a woman whose boyfriend googled Eva Longoria on her Blackberry while she was giving him fellatio just about sums up the ugly picture of men today. I see them with their faces buried in their cell phones and Blackberrys, cut off from the world with their iPods. I find men in New York to be very physically unattractive (I am not a lesbian). They seem to have lost a great deal of their natural masculinity. They look like clones of each other. None stand out like a force of nature. They have no presence. They look vapid and vacant. Their souls are mostly corrupted. They are obsessed with sports, beer-guzzling and making money. They’re self-absorbed and narcissistic. Most are just putzes. Since they lack any real male-ness, any distinctiveness, I am consistently turned off. I am a very sensuous, gorgeous young woman and no one is spurring any desire in me. Please don’t tell me to move, because New York is my home and I know that men all over the world, for the most part, are in decline as a species while they practice their misogyny. Even gay men are looking tired, lost and like robots. What do you suggest?

Let me see if I get this straight: you’re a heterosexual, “very sensuous, gorgeous young woman,” based in New York, and constantly disappointed with the quality of men in New York. Dear lady, permit me to ask: have you ever considered expanding your conception of an ideal mate? Beyond, say, your own species? Once you go goose… um… you’ll never get loose, that is, you’ll never escape from the sweet embrace of gooselove, because you wouldn’t want to. Please have sex with me.

Dear Audrey Gary,
I read a story today about this Australian guy fucking a jar of pasta
sauce in a car. Why are men always trying to pleasure themselves with
something weird? Are both his hands broken or something?

Why would a man wish to stick his dick in a jar of pasta sauce, you ask? In this, as in all things, the answer lies with Prince.

Presumably, it was there. And you never know until you try.

Welcome to our weekly feature in which I, Gary, The L’s wooden goose, shall answer the questions asked of Audrey Ference, The Natural Redhead, in the current issue of the L.

Dear Audrey Gary,
I have been with my girlfriend for over three years. It’s safe to say we’re deeply in love. But there’s a problem — our sex life sucks. Thing is, it’s never been good, not even in the beginning. We’re just not compatible in that sense. Trust me, we’ve tried to make it better, but no luck. At this point we’ve more or less given up and we only have sex about twice a month. Oh, and she hates blowjobs — I think I’ve had a total of five since we’ve been together. I’m starting to lose my mind and I’m very much considering seeing someone else on the side just for sex. It sounds crazy but it would actually save our relationship. I don’t want to break up with the love of my life because of sex, but if I don’t get back to getting laid, or at least getting a blowjob a few times a week, I’m going to lose it. What do you think I should do? And before you answer, we’ve tried just about everything in the sack. It’s no use.

Get some ribs removed.

Dear Audrey Gary,
I am with this guy who I met and have been fucking since June. I love fucking him but he is huge and it hurts. We can only have sex once every few days because I need time for the swelling to go down. Can you recommend something to help with this painful situation?

“Only once every few days”? Dear lady, if our Creator had intended for us to have sex “every few days” he would not have given us acne and sweaty palms and a stress-induced stutter. This is nature’s way of telling you to stop making the rest of us feel jealous.

Welcome to our weekly feature in which I, Gary, The L’s wooden goose, shall answer the questions asked of Audrey Ference, The Natural Redhead, in the current issue of the L.

Dear Audrey Gary,
I am a 28-year-old hetero male. My masturbatory needs over the past several years have pushed the limits of social and perhaps legal acceptability. It seems I can’t get off unless I’m doing something quasi wrong. However politically incorrect it is to call it "wrong," it started with simple interracial porn. From there I graduated to jacking it from my apartment window, which had a clear view of the beach and bare skin (but I was hidden as I did the deed). The greatest length to which this habit progressed was jerking it in the faculty bathroom of the public high school I was working in at the time. There are times when just trying on a pair of jeans in a flimsy dressing room gets the juices flowing. Am I a ticking time bomb? Should I volunteer myself to jail now and save myself the ordeal or is this some standard shit that you hear all the time and aren’t even interested in?

Dear sir, the solution to your problem is so simple I am surprised the normally perspicacious Ms. Ference did not think of it: replace all your windows with one-way mirrors like they have in police interrogation rooms.

Dear Audrey Gary,
I’m a 39-year-old bi female. I’m somewhat new to the anal experience. So far, assplay for me involves two fingers. I’m not yet ready for monster cocks/dildos, buttplugs or anal beads the size of tennis balls. How do I let a potential partner know this without turning him/her off or hurting their feelings?

Ma’am, humble goose that I am, I am rather fascinated by the emphasis, among sex-having people of your species, on butts ‘n’ stuff.

For one thing, we have wings, and so it is hard to really do much with butts. Or, indeed, stuff.

Also, you are perhaps familiar with the phrase “like shit through a goose”? Colloquial expressions don’t just happen, as I am sure you are aware.

Welcome to our weekly feature in which I, Gary, The L’s wooden goose, shall answer the questions asked of Audrey Ference, The Natural Redhead, in the current issue of the L.

Dear Audrey Gary,
I met him at the bar I work at, and I couldn’t really help myself… I slept with him on our first date. Well, we’ve been dating for about three months but he leaves in the next two months… I really like this guy; also, I am 30, and I really want to get married soon — he is 37. So the thing is, he’s not aggressive, he doesn’t really call or text, and I make all the arrangements for our dates — the good thing is that he pays for everything. So the only way I get him to respond to me is if I tell him I am leaving him!

Not a question. Next!

Dear Audrey Gary,
Ok, so here’s the deal. My boyfriend and I both have hectic work schedules. In the middle of the day we always meet at his apartment for what we jokingly call "bonding time." We relax, watch tv, eat lunch and have sex — I believe I can speak for both of us when I say it’s always satisfying. The other day he was lying on the bed using my Blackberry, so I crept in to give him a blowjob. The entire time, he stayed on the Blackberry, which didn’t bother me at all — as long as he moaned and groaned, I knew I was doing my job. Only after we were done and we both went on our way to work, I noticed he had googled Eva Longoria images on my phone while I was giving him a blowjob. Is it normal for guys to have to view someone else giving them a blowjob, rather than the girl actually giving it to them? I might add that although I may not look like Eva Longoria, I am no Peppermint Patty.

Well, ma’am — or should I say, Marcie-style, “sir,” — while I won’t comment on your husband’s taste in vapid, skeletal stars of second-tier TV shows, I will suggest that you are underselling the appeal of Ms. Patricia Reichardt. The adorable combination of proper diction and frequent misunderstandings? The athletic prowess? The red hair and freckles? Sir, you do yourself a disservice.

Welcome to our weekly feature in which I, Gary, The L’s wooden goose, shall answer the questions asked of Audrey Ference, The Natural Redhead, in the current issue of the L.

Dear Audrey Gary,
A while ago I dated a man ten years my senior. In the beginning we got along great; it was fun, it was almost fantastic. After a while, however, it ended in aches and pains for my poor heart. I’m over it now. Mind you, I am a young gun in my twenties, so I guess I was a little naive and innocent, and my guard was kept low. But after having some time now to get my heart and mind back into objective mode, emotion-free, to this day I can’t really help but wonder if I was taken for a cheap fresh-meat thrill ride by this man? So I guess my real question regards dating outside your age group — the popular opinions, the actual statistics, what is the consensus and/or are men really just after our goodies with young ladies? Or could a relationship with an age gap actually be sustained?

Frankly, ma’am, if a generation gap-spanning marriage between a skirt-chasing lizard king who remarried for money and a mantislike ice queen trollopcunt with daddy issues is still happy after all these years of absentee parenthood and prescription drug addiction, I can’t really see how any relationship is fundamentally unsustainable.

Dear Audrey Gary,
How long is the longest penis ever? Just out of curiosity…

I assume you mean “the longest human penis ever,” but I will answer the question I have been asked, and say that it’s likely that the longest penis ever belonged to a blue whale, and likely measured somewhere above eight feet long, when aroused, so stay the fuck away in my opinion.