10/13/08 9:00am

Welcome to our weekly feature in which I, Gary, The L’s wooden goose, shall answer the questions asked of Audrey Ference, The Natural Redhead, in the current issue of the L.

Dear Audrey Gary,
So I have sex with my wife, right? Most of the time it’s great. However, there are times when I’ll be finished, and I have a feeling that she hasn’t quite gotten there yet. I’ll ask her if she wants me to help her climax, or flat out keep trying to get her to come, but she’ll say in her cute little way, "I’m good." I’ve asked her how can she be "good" if she doesn’t have an orgasm, but she has repeatedly told me that women get little "spasms" and it’s sufficiently satisfying for her. I want to believe her, but am a little suspicious. Audrey, is she bullshitting me?

Dear sir, as a member of a species that does not have sex for pleasure, I find your concern for the reproductively superfluous female climax somewhat baffling. So my question to you is: how can you be “good” if you are not fulfilling your biological imperative and ensuring the continuance of your very species? Sir, I am ashamed of you, you frivolous, selfish non-breeder. Slut! Slut! Slut!

Dear Audrey Gary,
My girlfriend told me that she was falling for a guy from work. She wants to take a break, but leave the door open for us to get back together. Our relationship has been rocky — we’ve been together for five years, but I had an affair last year while things were really bad between us.

Now I am completely heartbroken. We still live together, and knowing that she is out there fucking another guy has me in a panic. Even though she is having this fling, she has told me that she loves me and that this is happening because she wants us to be apart for a while so we can gather our lives and pursue our dreams. At this point I know she is the love of my life and I don’t want to be with anyone else except her. Please help!

09/29/08 9:00am

Welcome to our weekly feature in which I, Gary, The L’s wooden goose, shall answer the questions asked of Audrey Ference, The Natural Redhead, in the current issue of the L.

Dear Audrey Gary,
I was having drinks with a gay couple (friends) last night. During our conversation I was enlightened to find out that many gay men do not engage in penetration (anal sex). Before the topic could be expanded on, a few more friends showed up and the conversation changed. Audrey, I know that you are not a gay male, yet you have your sources. If there is no penetration, is there something more than hand-jobs and blowjobs? Are the heterosexuals missing out on something? Moreover, if we are, is it something my girlfriend can learn to do?

I cannot speak for humans, sir, as I cannot communicate with them except by the admittedly imprecise method of honking and busily flapping my wings, but I asked several of my closest gay goose friends and they were all like, yes, of course, during the coming-out process, once a gay goose’s commitment to the lifestyle has been ascertained to their satisfaction, the Gay Goose Mafia takes you aside and performs a surgery on you so that you have an extra hole that only gay people have, no of course not you idiot it’s pretty much just the one although sometimes there is dry-humping because no one really ever outgrows that and the permutations are all but endless.

Dear Audrey Gary,
My friend cheats on his girlfriend basically all the time. He says he only gets blowjobs from other girls, so it’s not wrong that he still has unprotected sex with her, since he claims men can’t get diseases from a blowjob. Normally I’d just let him be an idiot (I don’t really know his girlfriend at all) but it sucks to think he could give her an STD. Should I say something to her?

If you were to tell your friend’s girlfriend, she would likely confront him, and he would likely hear that it came from you, and he would likely be upset with you and admonish you by saying, in all likelihood, “bros before hos.” Now, ask yourself if the kind of person who would say “bros before hos,” and mean it, is the kind of person who even deserves to receive oral sex from another human, let alone as a pleasant sideline to an actual relationship. I think it is clear how you should proceed here.

09/22/08 10:13am

Welcome to our weekly feature in which I, Gary, The L’s wooden goose, shall answer the questions asked of Audrey Ference, The Natural Redhead, in the current issue of the L.

Dear Audrey Gary,
A couple weekends ago, I had sex with my mom’s close friend. I am a lady and so is she. She’s married but sort of out — she’s had affairs with women that people who know her know about. I was drunk at the time, and I enjoyed it, whatever, but I’d pretty much prefer it if my mom didn’t find out. It would just make things weird in their circle, especially since my brother knows this woman’s son. Anyway, I do get myself into situations like this on occasion, and I wondered if you had any general advice about how to tell someone not to tell anyone that you fucked them without being a dick about it?

Dear lady, who among us has not experienced an experience best summed up with “I was drunk at the time, and I enjoyed it, whatever, but I’d pretty much prefer it if my mom didn’t find out”? Let your vague, unapologetic, embarrassed freak flag fly.

Dear Audrey Gary,
At my college, most random hookups involved being really drunk. Now that I’m out of school and have a job, it’s not like I can go get trashed all the time — also, I worry that I’m more likely to make unsafe decisions when bombed, now that I’m not on campus around people I know. I’m young and free and want to fuck a bunch of people, but unless I’m drunk I feel shy about being as sexually forward as I’d like. Help!

Although I would dispute the notion “now that I’m out of school and have a job, it’s not like I can go get trashed all the time,” unless by chance you are a school bus driver or anesthesiologist or what the fuck ever, I do admire, sir or madam, your desire for responsible promiscuity. And I sympathize with your plight: I find it very difficult to do many things — challenge a tourist for her bag of potato chips; talk to my father — without getting drunk first. The key, I think, is to be extremely attractive, and people will just naturally want to sex you up and down, lots.

09/08/08 9:00am

Dear Audrey Gary,
I’ve been married for four years, and for the first three, it was total heaven. My wife is very understanding, lets me do things all the other girls I have dated wouldn’t, and is a musician like me — we have a great time.

A little over a year ago, I met this woman at a party (I’m 33, btw, my wife 27), flirted, kissed briefly and two weeks later met and hooked up. I wanted to make very clear that I was married, that there was no romance in sight, that if she wanted to fuck me, so be it. She agreed.

Holy shit, HOT sex! Her pussy is the right size and feel for me, we fucked a lot, and we got involved a little more than just fucking. It was great for a year and three months.

My thing about this woman is that she’s a mind fuck for me: she’s intelligent, smart, firm, and she teaches me a lot of things. She is a painter and, well, like I said, a mind fuck — I love her brain and her pussy.

Now, the relationship with this other woman has changed, we don’t fuck as much, and I feel a little contempt from her towards me, mainly because I don’t "know" as much stuff as she does. Funny, it’s the same way I feel toward my wife! But I am going to stay with my wife, because, well, she’s my woman.

I guess my question is, should I keep or dump this other woman, knowing that I’ll be giving away the best cumming ever, OR do I just take her shit in stride, not pay attention, and whenever she wants to fuck me, just fuck, like in the past?

Dear Sir,
From your query, we are to understand that you are 33, a musician, and have been married for four years to another musician, who is 27. Presumably you live in New York; there has been some friction in your marriage over your wife’s perceived (by you, at least) intellectual superiority. Also there is now presumably some friction in your marriage over the fact that you shared what is very obviously you and your wife’s life story in a letter to a sex column; and the fact that you have a secret mistress who you like to fuck more than you like to fuck your wife. I am but a humble goose, sir, but it seems to me that there is a lesson here, and that lesson is, when asking a question about mistresses (or venereal diseases) of a local magazine, it is probably better to change a few nonessential biographical details because, o noes, you haz a miztrez and now everyone knows.

08/25/08 1:09pm

Welcome to our weekly feature in which I, Gary, The L’s wooden goose, shall answer the questions asked of Audrey Ference, The Natural Redhead, in the current issue of the L.

Dear Audrey Gary,
I read your column from a while ago about sex during your period. I’d always been told that since the cervix is dilated during menstruation, you shouldn’t have sex because you’re at a greater risk of getting an infection. Is that true?

Well, being a goose, this isn’t really something I have much experience dealing with. Maybe ask a human sex advice columnist next time.

Dear Audrey Gary,
I know all about "size doesn’t matter," blah blah blah. But as a guy, I’m a little intimidated by the sizes of most dildos for sale out there. Not that I’m in the market, mind you. However, I’m now thinking that dildo-length probably has something to do with the fact that you ladies have to grab the bottom part of it, and so you need a bunch of gripping space for your hand. Is that true? Or wishful thinking?

I am only a humble goose, sir, and also I am made out of wood and am not technically a sentient life form, so take my opinion merely for what it is worth and no more, but “not that I’m in the market, mind you” sounds to me like one who doth, as they say, protest too much.

Also, more to the point, I studied for several years at the London School of Economics and can say that, in a market as saturated as the dildo market is, every brand must do something to stand out, and so the more venerable, “mom and pop” makers of merely average-sized, quality, utilitarian dildos have been unable to sustain a market share necessary for their operations, in the face of so much buyer choice.

07/21/08 9:00am

Welcome to our weekly feature in which I, Gary, The L’s wooden goose, shall answer the questions asked of Audrey Ference, The Natural Redhead, in the current issue of the L.

Dear Audrey Gary,
My husband and I were high school sweethearts who practiced abstinence until we got married, which is something I highly recommend to any woman out there.?But I never understood the "wow factor" until after a few shots and a triple dare at my best friend’s bachelorette party.? I woke up with a complete stranger and had learned the meaning of WOW.? Since then I have had a few other liaisons and have come to realize that some men really know how to pleasure a woman in bed. I want my husband to be one of them.?When and where do men learn this??Are there any classes out there you can recommend??

You ask where and when men learn to pleasure a woman in bed. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I learned to pleasure a woman in bed on August 19th, 1997, at about 4:30pm, underneath the dock of the Staten Island Ferry.

What happened was, my friend Donnie and I had been flying around all day, circling, letting the tourists take our pictures, and sneaking in to slurp up spilled beer wherever we could. At about three o’clock, already with a pretty good buzz on, we found a sandwich that somebody had dropped, it’d been soaking in a puddle of Foster’s for a while. We were pretty young then, and also we are geese, so we were fucking hammered by the time we got back to Donnie’s. We were sort of lolling around on the water, and Donnie’s older sister Serene was around, she was home from college, and she was just shaking her beak at us, and beating her wings really loud whenever we floated too close to the boat.

And then Donnie went off to puke behind a buoy, and Serene looked at me
with those beady eyes of hers, and was like, “Ok, Gary, come here.” And
I was really focused on the boat, there was this kid who was leaning
over the side eating a Fruit Roll-Up, and I was sure he was going to
drop it, and so I was like, “wha, Serene, hold on, I’m really hungry”,
and she just squawked at me, “No, I mean, Gary, come here.” And
I was like, uhhh, ok, Serene, what?” And then she turned around and
stuck her rump up in the air and parted her tail feathers, and bent her
neck around to look at me, and said, “I always thought you were cute.”

I’ve never told Donnie about this. He thinks I lost my virginity to a Canada Black during my year as an exchange student.

Dear Audrey Gary,
When directing someone in the bedroom, what’s the line between sexy and bossy?

Generally even commands have a sense of urgency to them, which is sexy,
so I’d say as long as you avoid making angry honking sounds you’re
probably ok.

07/16/08 1:42pm

Hi, it’s me, Gary the sex-writing goose, with the special dispatch pertaining to the L’s new Sex Issue. As you recall, in it we ask a variety of sex professionals about their work, and the affects it has on their personal sex lives. One of the people interviewed, of course, is pornographic film actor and professional celebrity Ron Jeremy, who you probably know from such films as Swedish Erotica 26 and Caught from Behind 2: The Sequel, or possibly from his poster in the dorm room of the guy on your floor who sold weed sophomore year. Because the kids can’t seem to get enough of the jolly guy with the bushy mustache and unnaturally large penis, here’s the complete version of the interview that appears in the magazine — it was, as you can imagine, way too long, big and massive to fit in the L.

Interview conducted by Mary Block, from questions developed by interviewer and Benjamin Sutton.

1) What is your age?

Oh, you’re heartless. What a way to start. I feel like I’m in my 30s but I’m 55.

2) What gender do you identify as?


3) What is your sexual orientation?


4) What is your race?


5) What is your profession/job title?

Performer. Although some people like to make a joke and say "per-whore-mer." I’d say…entertainer. I do a lot of things. I lecture in colleges, Triple X church. You can say actor/entertainer. You can say actor/comedian/lecturer.

6) What is your current relationship status? (Please answer as you see fit.)

Well I just met you, honey! Where is 718, anyway? Uh, what’s my relationship status? I’d say… interesting.

I’ve had 5 girls in my life that I’ve said the words ‘I love you’ to. The fifth one, her name is Juniper. She was my girlfriend for 3 1/2 years and now she is my best friend; she’s not my girlfriend. Really a very very strong love. When we were together we called it "roommates with romance, R&R". Now we we’ve split, we have an even funnier term. We’ve split but we have joint custody of the turtle. Cherry the tortoise. So I don’t say "ex-girlfriend," I don’t say "current best friend," I say "mother of turtle."

7) What, for you, qualifies as sex?

I don’t believe in the President Clinton definition that you have to have intercourse. I love these guys when they got caught and they say, "Oh look honey, it wasn’t sex, she was just blowing me." Then the wife goes and says, "Ok, I’ll go and do the same thing." "NO NO NO! OK it’s sex it’s sex!" I think, theoretically, starting with a French kiss is sexual. You know, friends don’t do that. Back to the question of sex, I’d say it starts with anything that involves the sexual organs. Or the boobies. And of course full-on sex is sex, and oral sex. And most people agree with me, unless they have an agenda.

8) How frequently do you engage in sexual activity?

Couple times a week, there’s no definite number. I could have a few in one day if I go to some big fancy party at Hugh Hefner’s mansion or something, some cute little playmates. Anywhere from like three to five times a week, or it could be nothing for a week. It often gets started in a very comical way. I have a standard deal. I say show me the boobies I’ll show you the penis.

9) How did you enter into your line of work?

Well I was doing theater. Plays in New York, Off-Broadway. I studied under Joel Zwick, at Café La Mama. Then I did Playgirl magazine in 1978 October, they published it. My ex-girlfriend sent in a picture in. I was approached to do porn after Playgirl. I said, "I can act, I’ve had training." I spent a half an hour in makeup; they never showed my face. I’m a classically trained actor; I can emote beyond "uuunnhhh".

10) How do you feel that your work influences your personal sex life?

To some extent. I think it both helps and hinders. It helps because of all the things you learn on a set. All the girls I’ve been with have helped teach me to be a better lover, you know: watching girls with girls, watching people who are good at it and emulating [them]. It hinders you because, if you know you’re gonna have a big day, you can kind of shy away from [sex] in the bedroom. Often you have to hold back. Me, with girls I’ve dated they say, "Great. I’m with a well-known porn star and he won’t have sex with me." Made it kinda funny. But the next day we’d catch up!

11) What are the positive impacts of your profession on your personal sex life? What are the negative impacts?

Both. You travel a lot in porn, but it helps because you can share your experiences with your other lovers. Me and Gene Simmons have talked about this. It’s an alternate lifestyle, and I’ve really seen it work. Men have long understood it; women are catching up. You know, they didn’t have terms like "boy toy" when I was a kid. Now I have guys calling me up crying, saying "I was just a one-night stand to her!" GOOD! Now you understand what we did in high school and college. It’s like that Meatloaf song. It’s about time they catch up. You know, I lecture in colleges around the world; I’ve seen huge changes. Women not only want good sex, they’re demanding it. You know there’s types of sex: there’s recreational sex, then there’s making love. I don’t care if Juniper has some guy when I’m out of town. I don’t like the guy — make that known — you know, make that noise, "ugh!" and get out of town. I’d get really jealous if they were having candlelight dinner or walk on a mountain top, or walk on a beach or hold hands. I’LL KILLYA! Or cuddle! YOU’RE DEAD! Cuddle! You know I’d really be heartbroken if she was in there cuddling somebody. That would eat me alive. But just to stick the dick in and leave? Because I’m out of town or she wants a little variety? It’s fine. I’ve always had a strong belief, since back when I was in high school — what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. And girls are catching up.

12) When have you felt the need to implement a separation between your personal and professional roles, in terms of sex? If possible, please name specific instances.

I thought that in the beginning. Then I started to realize that I am kind of a sleazy little bastard. You know, I don’t just put Ron Jeremy up on the porn shoot and then I’m Ron Hyatt everywhere else. I’m under contract with a company called Metro Interactive, but I work a lot less. There are times when I might not be in the mood [to be famous.] You know, if I’m with Juniper in a restaurant, it takes away a little bit from the moment, a candlelight dinner, "Yo Jeremy! Man, dude!" You know, some people are rude, I’m out with Juniper and someone goes, "Man, you got a big dick!" It takes away from it.

13) How do you wish sex were different, given your personal and professional experiences?

I wish women would communicate more in terms of what they like and what they don’t like. They’ll tell their best friend, their hairdresser. Tell US! We’re the guys that are in there! Men like a little direction. They want to give the girl the best time possible. I’m not saying like a drill sergeant: "Get that thing up! Get that purple-helmeted soldier at attention." But you know, in a gentle way. Men love that, LOVE that. Not like "you suck at this." You can say it in a positive way. "Try this, try this…"

My second half of the advice is with swinging. Don’t act like the extra person is better than your wife or your girlfriend. It’s a new phase; you do feel it…Woman’s got a fifty, fifty five-year-old husband. Now she’s got a twenty two-year-old kid with a muscular body rammin’ her crazy. Don’t go berserk and yell and scream, you know, and then with your husband, "oh yeah, that’s it, right there, ho hum." The most important one is still your spouse, lover, whatever. Same thing goes for the guy. Keep looking at your wife. She’s still the important one. Don’t act like this person’s anywhere near the one you care for.

14) How has your job affected your partners’ perceptions of you?

Well, she knew it on the way in. We were in Hawaii once and we met this couple. She was amazed at how quickly I could get into it and keep the ball rolling, keep the swing happening. You know, a man sees a new face, he could screw mud. He could be with the Lee sisters — Ghast Lee and Beast Lee. You know, we’re like that. We’re dogs. Girl needs the whole gestalt. She was fascinated by that, but that wasn’t so much the business. I don’t think that it’s changed [my partner’s perception of me] at all, except for being a better lover. I mean even when I was a teacher I had a pretty good sex life, and when I was working as a waiter up in the Catskills. You can still see me on a lot of Catskills websites. What’s your ethnic, by the way? (MB: Excuse me?) What’s your ethnic? (MB: I’m just sort of like a Western European mix…) Oh ok. Religion? (MB: Catholic?) Oh, ok. There’s a big thing about the Catskills, lots of Jews go up there. They call it the Borscht Belt. I got a lot of my beginnings as a sexual nutcase up there. In the summers, as a waiter. Long before porn. My first picture in Playgirl magazine was taken up there. Deluxe building of the Paramount Hotel in Parksville, NY, home of…Isaac Asimov’s parents, [someone] from Sha Na Na.

You know, so like, Juniper and me, we had some quarrels about the lifestyle, but she didn’t meet me as a librarian. I mean, back when I was in junior high school I didn’t believe in total monogamy. By the way, I never would’ve gotten into porn had I had better breaks on Broadway. In fact I would’ve preferred never to have gotten into it. But I did porn, I have no complaints, I did it. It was a good second choice but it was a second choice. One thing people give a lot of credit to, and I’m not sure I do, is astrology. I’m a Pisces. For some strange reason, more porn stars are Pisces than any other sign. Isn’t that weird? It might be a coincidence; who knows. But a guy named James Sullivan did a survey, he looked at the calendars. He found, like, overwhelming Pisces. What are you? (MB: I’m…I guess I’d say I’m a Virgo.) Oh, ok.

15) How has your job affected your partners’ attitudes towards sex?

Well like I said before she wasn’t thrilled when I didn’t have sex with her because I had to have sex that day, or I had to leave town. She’s 11 years younger than me, she’s in her 30s now, but [when we were dating] she was in her 20’s, and girls that age want a lot of sex. And I’m really good at sex…once in a while. And with the same person especially, I mean I could do a different girl every night, but — I’m just being honest — with the same girl, it’s different. With the same person for many years… As the years went by, it started to get a little more difficult. I mean you love the person to pieces, but the actual sex, with the same body. I’m not saying I wouldn’t try, because I know that making love and making like aren’t the same, but I had a problem with it. It’s true. Most people do too. I mean, she could be in great shape. Women are great lovers ‘til the day they die. We suck. And I want to give her the good ride that she deserves. I always say, Viagra and Cialis are the greatest gifts to monogamy. Because they help you do your own wife.

16) Has your work ever put you in a situation were you were uncomfortable, or felt you’d gone beyond your personal sexual boundaries?

You always do that. I mean when you’re on a shoot. I mean, I’ve been on a boat where everyone got sick and vomited. But I mean, on slabs, I’ve shot in graveyards — fake graveyards, but on a stone. I’ve had sex on a moving horse and carriage. Of course, you get tested all the time. When you do Shakespeare you get tested. You know, "can you handle this?" You know, you’re doing iambic pentameter, you sound like a dumbass New York white boy. It usually sounds better when it’s a British accent. You know, the 15 girls scene was probably just that. I was the best-known male actor in porn at the time. That was a real test. You had to really pace yourself and internalize and not climax too soon. And to make it even more difficult, they made it all rubbers! That was during the era of AIDS and a lot of scary things going on, so [with] each new girl I had to get a new rubber, put it on, take it off, put it on, take it off. Not for oral sex, thank God. I was very proud of myself, But I did it, I did the pop shot… that was a tough tough tough scene. Even the owner of the company came down to offer me a Viagra. "Nope. Not gonna do it. I’m doing it a capella, gonna see if I can do it. But don’t go too far! With that Viagra." But you know, I did it! I was so proud of myself. It worked. There were ups and downs to it. Literally. It’s not what you’d consider fun.

17) Has your work ever pushed you to expand your sexual comfort zone?

A little. I was never into B&D or S&M. But I directed the John Bobbitt movie. Then they wanted me and John to do a movie together and I said what the hell, I’ll do it. And it was just so comical. Watching us fall down, get banged. Once they wanted me to suck on a dildo and I wouldn’t do it ‘cause I hate dick so I faked it. I covered it with my hand and I was sucking alongside of it and they said, "Ron!" It looked more comical than anything else. I had to crawl on the ground with a leash. I did a lot of things I’d never done before, because I’ve never been into that world. There’s nothing wrong with that world. But that was something past my comfort level — but the girl was very nice. She said, "We’ve got a big baby here." I said "Yes we do!" But other than that, porn can be uncomfortable anyway. You’re doing a scene, you’re not really in the mood, you’ve got problems with your family or a breakup. Uncomfortable locations, like I said. Crazy outfits.

Once they wanted me to be a little more mean. I’m more the white bread [type] — I’m not one of the kinkier performers. One time they wanted me to be a little rougher on the girl, you know, spit on her or pull her hair. I wasn’t really good at that. That was kind of uncomfortable for me.

07/14/08 9:00am

Welcome to our weekly feature in which I, Gary, The L’s wooden goose, shall answer the questions asked of Audrey Ference, The Natural Redhead, in the current issue of the L.

Dear Audrey Gary,
Recently I’ve become upset with the hairlessness in porn. I could hang with the landing strip or whatever, and then the completely waxed, but now they’re waxing all the way back? What’s up with that? I can’t keep up.

I’m with you on this one. You know what it means when a goose doesn’t have any feathers around her goosebits? It means she has been plucked, having already been shot from out of the sky by a NASCAR fan and fetched in the slobbering mouth of some flea-ridden mutt; and will soon be eaten. I ask you, pornographic filmmakers and performers of America (and the Pacific rim): is there anything less sexy than a dead goose, or person? No, no there is not anything less sexy than a dead goose, or person.

Dear Audrey Gary,
I’ve waxed or shaved my bush for years, and decided to grow it out for a change of pace. The problem is that it’s really, REALLY itchy while it’s stubble. I know it’s only a couple of weeks, but is there anything I can do? I don’t want to spend all day trying not to scratch my junk in public.

Perhaps you should not have spent so many years trying to look like a Christmas dinner from Victorian England, harlot.

07/08/08 11:00am

Welcome to a new feature here at, in which Gary, The L Magazine’s wooden goose, offers his own take on the questions tackled each week by Audrey Ference in The Natural Redhead, The L’s sex advice column. Let’s see what Gary has to say about the questions in the July 2 issue!

Dear Audrey,
My wife and I live in an apartment in Brooklyn. About a year ago, the guy next door started dating a screamer — sometimes a moaner, but mostly a screamer. One would think that this was a bad thing, yet when they started going at it, my wife would become crazy horny and their bedroom frequency would be my bedroom frequency. Last month our neighbors moved out, and I’ve gone from sex prince to sex pauper. I never thought that my wife was a closet "audible voyeur." Other than getting my real estate license and screening the people who move in, how can I help get her freak back on (and mine too)?

Obviously the answer to this question, as to so many others, is “porn”, but let’s focus for a minute on “sex prince to sex pauper.” First of all, referring to yourself a “sex prince”, even in the service of a clever, flourish-y literary allusion, is kind of a turn-off, I would think. Say “I am sex prince”, out loud, now. Unless you have a comical European accent and the thighs of an Olympic sprinter, I am really not wanting the sex with you now that you’ve said that, because you sound kind of silly and maybe arrogant and I worry that you might try to incorporate costumes, or have mirrors on your ceiling. “Sex pauper”, meanwhile, conjures up many bad images of third world depravity.

Also, using clever, flourish-y literary allusions to describe your sex life kind of makes me think that you have never had sex.

And, of course, in the alluded-to literary work, Mark Twain’s The
Prince and the Pauper, a young dauphin switches places with his urchin
doppelganger, to comic and allegorical results. I’m not sure what this
has to do with your sex life… unless… do you have a twin brother?
Your wife is fucking him. Sorry you had to hear it from me.

Dear Audrey,
I’m 22, a virgin in New York, and terrified at the idea of having sex.
It’s more of an intimacy issue, I think, but my skin keeps me from even
attempting to get involved with anyone. The psoriasis isn’t noticeable
on my face, but it does flare everywhere underneath my clothes and this
prevents me from taking them off in front of anyone. So, the idea of
having to do that with a girl really scares me. What can I do, because
I’ve heard this intimacy thing is pretty nice?

I’m definitely saying this with the intended meaning of “you are not
alone in this”, rather than “if I knew more about HTML I would insert a
jpeg of the world’s smallest violin here”, but, seriously, “I’m a
virgin and terrified at the idea of having sex” is a pretty universal
sentiment, because sex is terrifying. Weird noises, strange and
unfamiliar body parts everywhere, performance anxiety, the people
taking pictures and/or throwing bread crumbs at you while you’re doing
it… Your anxiety is, in no small part, I promise, the same anxiety
that is triumphed over by many, many other people.

Also, I know that the getting to have sex is a big deal for you and a
much-anticipated event, but, be forewarned, again for the sake of being
realistic about your situation’s relative compatibility with most other
situations, and the gradualness with which your worries will be
alleviated: the sex, it will not be very good at first. It never is.