Ok, sure, eighth is fine… but come on, people, Minneapolis was ranked number one on Bicycling Magazine‘s Top-50 Bike-Friendly Cities in America, and they can only ride their bikes outside for like three months out of the whole year. Also, this is the city that’s home to America’s largest mall. Boo.

So what makes Minneapolis so special, anyway? According to Bike Mag, “120 miles of on- and off-street bicycle facilities, plus indoor bike parking and other cycling-friendly facilities” pretty much did the trick (seriously, indoor bike parking? Yes, please). As for New York, Central Park was praised for its lack of cars, as was commissioner Janette Sadik-Khan for her efforts to turn NYC into a “world-class bike city.”

So what can we do to get that big #1? Well, we could start with a bike to work week (like Minneapolis!), or we could just give in and do everything on this list (dedicated bicycle traffic lights!).

For the first time in five years, the United States has been dethroned from top spot in clean energy investment. The surprise, though, is which country beat us… China!

• A magical green land.

China managed to shrug off the fat green target on its back and surpass us in clean energy investment by nearly twofold. Chinese investment was $34.6 billion last year, which is more than a 50% increase from the previous year. America, with a GDP almost twice that of China’s, scraped up a paltry $18.6 billion.

This probably has something to do with our prioritization of energy production over protecting the environment for the first time ever, as charted by a recent Gallup poll.

For the past three years, public opinion has been less and less concerned with the environment and more concerned with energy production; opinion converged in March of last year, with the environment ahead by one frail percentage point. This year’s data put energy production ahead by seven percent.

But what are the implications? Obama’s recent announcement regarding new offshore drilling initiatives stems from this very data, and it likely won’t be the last that prioritizes energy production over the environment. And considering the two oil spills leaking 19,870 gallons of crude oil into the ocean just this week, threatening hundreds of miles of coastal wildlife, this is maybe not such a good thing.

Way to go, America… We finally have a president who listens to us, and we tell him we want to kill dolphins.

Spring is in the air, which means the neurosis should be setting in right about… NOW! It’s spring-cleaning time, bitches! Here’s a list of tips for a minty fresh apartment sans chemicals.

WINDOWS
Natural window cleaners are important to use because the aerosol spray from chemical ones is harmful to inhale. You can make your own for cheap by mixing three teaspoons of white vinegar with a quart of warm water in a reusable spray bottle, or in a regular bowl to dip your reusable rag into (no paper towels, which just end up in a landfill). For a streak-free clean, wipe your windows dry with crumpled newspaper pages, which micro-buffer away residual cleaner and dirt.

SHOWER
Kick mold and soap scum in the hoo-hah with baking soda made into a paste with just enough water. Just coop up some paste with a reusable rag, and rub the effected areas in small circles to loosen the scum. Rinse when done, and watch it shine! Best of all, there’s no bleach smell, accidental bleach spots on clothes and bathroom rugs, and it’s completely safe to work with! And eat! If that’s what you’re into!

TOILET
You know how Listerine kills 99.9% of germs in your mouth? Well, the same philosophy applies to your toilet. A capful or two of alcohol-based mouthwash has the same effect as commercial toilet bowl cleaner, but without the petrochemicals (chemicals made from crude oil) and poisoned waterways. For best results, pour it in, let it soak for 30 minutes, scrub around in there with a toilet brush, and flush. Or, if you want to be even greener, save some water and don’t flush until you’ve used the toilet and really need to.

FRIDGE
Take the time to give your refrigerator a once-through and compost any old leftovers (providing they get the ok from the compost police). If it looks a little barren when you’re through, fill it back up! A full fridge uses less electricity than an empty one. While you’re at it, give the condenser coils good dusting to increase it’s efficiency even more.

THE DREADED ROACH
The best way to avoid a six-legged roommate is to prevent it from wanting to move in in the first place. Take precautionary measure like doing your dishes before you go to sleep, sweeping up crumbs and food spills right after they happen, and storing food in airtight containers (better yet, keep it in the fridge to fill it up a little more). If it’s too late for that, fill a reusable spray bottle with 1 cup water, 1 teaspoon salt, 20 drops of peppermint essential oil, 10 drops of cypress essential oil, and spray around the floor and in cupboards. You’ll be living in a single again before you know it.

AIR FRESHENER
Skip the Febreeze (who wants to stick their nose into a chemical-soaked carpet, anyway?) and use a tip my friend gave me: an orange in the garbage disposal! It makes the whole apartment smell like citrus and sunshine. Unfortunately, I have never been a proud owner of a garbage disposal, so I can only take her word for it. We low-tech folk can breathe easy by putting a pot of water to boil filled with spices or scented oils. A great recipe for a DIY Lemon Vanilla Spice air freshener can be found here.

Happy spring cleaning!

• Where your food gets made.

Dear America, today we’re going to take a closer look at some of the nice ingredients in foods that the Food-Industrial Complex tries to get you to eat every day. This may get sciencey.

You probably already know that Cheez Whiz more closely resembles the latter than the former, but here’s why: It’s made with trisodium phosphate, an industrial-strength cleaner which for some reason is also a “food” additive.

House-painting-info.com tells us to “try trisodium phosphate for a thorough clean before painting!” To use Cheez Whiz as a pre-wash for your laundry, work a glop of it into the stained area and let it sit for ten minutes before washing. Presto, grease stains gone!

Another fun food to pick apart—literally and figuratively—is Spam, which uses sodium nitrate (a bastardization of table salt) as a preservative. Sodium nitrate is what keeps pink meats pink, even after they’ve been cooked. Although it can’t be used as a cleaning agent, Spam can be stealthily deployed against enemies. One homemade gift basket of Spam products and your nemesis will be well on his or her way to colorectal, kidney, and stomach cancer.

Pomegranate-flavored Lifewater uses the natural red dye called “cochineal.” Cochineal turns out to be a parasitic beetle that lives on cacti in South America and Mexico. When boiled, they turn into a soupy red liquid that can be used to dye clothes and food. YOU’RE DRINKING BEETLES PEOPLE.

So where to turn for acceptable alimentation? Try one of Steve “Wildman” Brill’s foraging tours through Central Park, where you can dig up your own scrumptious grub (and maybe grubs?) from the fat of the land.

• “One bite of me and your sense of style will improve, along with your earning power!”

Tofu has been said to do a lot of bad things to the male body: everything from enhancing manboobs, to decreasing libido and increasing the chances of shooting blanks.

Jim Rutz, spokesman for the House Church Community and self-described health-food guy, claims that because of high amounts of phytoestrogen, soy “use” leads to “a decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion, and homosexuality.” That’s right, Jim Rutz says tofu turns you gay.

What Jim and people who make similar claims are ignoring is that the same phytoestrogens found in soybeans are also found in a ton of other plants, like onions, beans, grains and hops.

Yup, that’s right, hops. So, according to Rutz, drinking beer will also make you gay and shrink your manparts. And that hotdog bun at the baseball game? Estrogen. The baked beans at your summer BBQ?
Estrogen. Onion blossoms at the steakhouse? Estrogen, estrogen, estrogen!

Fortunately for all the scrupulously heteronormative dudes out there, the phytoestrogen found in plants is very weak compared to the hormone found in humans, as little as 1/1000th as powerful. This study concluded that ingesting high quantities of plant estrogens had little to no effect on the male
participants, and that the effects shown are actually beneficial. (Women, plant estrogen turns out to be pretty good for you, too.)

As New Yorkers, we take pride in our tap water. Well, we should. Mayor Bloomberg called it “the lifeblood of our city” after it rated first in statewide quality in 2008. But that might not last forever, if Governor Paterson has his way.

It would seem the Gov’ is still considering authorizing drilling for natural gas in the Catskills, the watershed that provides us with our delicious, delicious tap water. Extracting natural gas like this would very likely lead to toxic wastewater seeping right into the watershed; the price tag for filtering out these chemicals would be $10 billion for a filtration plant, plus another $100 million per year to keep it up and running. Shockingly, no one has come forward offering to pay for this.

So drink it while you can, fellow citizens.

“Eco-bling.”

These would be “green” gadgets and gizmos that seem really cool and fun, but maybe aren’t entirely useful when it comes to the whole “saving the planet” thing (like, perhaps, the Dragonfly farm towers proposed for Roosevelt Island).

To bring a little common sense to green gadget reporting, David Mackay of the Guardian suggests a one percent rule for reporting on green tech: if it’s not offsetting more than one percent of the energy expended by conventional machinery, it’s not worth the valuable media coverage that could be focusing on real impact.

For example, wind turbines are definitely worthwhile, while “kinetic road plates,” which harness a superfluous amount of the energy cars expend when entering a parking lot, aren’t.

Topping the list of awesomely ridiculous is a proposed sports bra designed to harness the energy of bouncing boobs to power an iPod. Adrienne So, the brainpower behind this innovative undergarment, feels that three years of lactation is not enough practical application for bouncy breasts. Fancy energy bra or not, at least fifty percent of the population (straight men and lesbians, I’m looking at you) can cite as many alternate uses for them as there are letters in this sentence.

Electric cars are quiet like ninjas and ten times as deadly. But mainly, just superquiet. This study found that people can generally hear conventional cars from 28 feet away, but can only detect hybrid cars in battery mode at 7 feet—or one second—away. To prevent happy-go-lucky new hybrid owners from indiscriminately crushing cyclists and passersby, some models are now being outfitted with artificial motor noises to alert people of their presence.

Mechanical noises aren’t the only sounds available for download and application. “Cartones” are customizable sounds you can purchase for your eco-ride to let people know something heavy is heading their way. Some legal kinks—like debate over whether the sound should be playing all the time—still need to be ironed out before they can be made available to the public. Congress is currently working on a Pedestrian Safety Act that would set a minimum and maximum noise level for all motor vehicles.

We look forward to having a car that plays nothing but William Shatner covers (just watch the video below, ok? You won’t be sorry).