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Articles by

<L.B. Wilkenson>

07/13/09 4:09pm

Last month, I had the best day of work ever — I got paid to march in the Gay Pride parade. I bought a white wig, painted a thunderbolt over my eye and picked up some short shorts from American Apparel. For a black woman dressed up like Lady Gaga and strolling through a sea of gay men, the watchword for the day was, “fierce!”

Before the parade even began Michelle (who is my good friend and the funniest girl in America) spotted kidnapper, coke-whore, sex tape star and all around super star, Danielle Straub! Danielle, from The Real Housewives of New Jersey! Is there any more auspicious a start to a parade then spotting a reality television star with a checkered past? (Hint: No.)

There was a lot more pre-parade waiting around than I’d anticipated. Tourists unabashedly stared and snapped pictures of me while I was eating a bagel and drinking orange juice, which were riveting shots, I’m sure. Being a part of a spectacle was new for me and it was kind of fun, but just when I was starting to get into being photographed, some drag queens showed up and stole all the attention.

06/30/09 4:00am

People often ask me if I’m desensitized to sex. I get all huffy about the question and say no, but I might be. It’s not that I find sex boring, but around the twelfth time you say, “cock ring” to a stranger, the first word becomes as innocuous as the second.

I get my kicks elsewhere. The things that are forbidden to me at work are the things I find most titillating. Porn is not forbidden, I’ve watched porn with my boss on the sales floor. Fooling around with my coworker’s iPod touch is forbidden.

I have an iPhone boner. I have to wait until my contract with Sprint is up before I can get one and the anticipation is making the phone seem even sexier. At work I fantasize about what I’m going to do with that little beauty when I finally get my hands on it.

First, I’m going to gently — yeah oh-so-gently — pull the cardboard top off the box. Then I’m going to pull it out. I’m gonna relish the weight of it in my hand. It’s gonna take me to new heights. It’s gonna be good.

With sex-perverts like yours truly in mind, the good folks at MyPleasure have created the first “adult” app approved by Apple. It’s called MyVibe, and it turns your iPhone into a vibrator. I highly doubt that an iPhone can vibrate strong enough to make me orgasm, nor do I have any interest in pressing something to my vagina and then to my ear, but telling my friends that I have the app will be an excellent way to warn them off of touching my damn phone.

Sex drives technology, to quote the old saw. Almost from the second a new innovation goes public, someone figures out how to use it to achieve sex or produce images of sex. In some cases it even drives the market for the product. Sure, ultimately people started buying VCRs for non-prurient reasons, but for a lot of the very first people willing to invest in the new technology a big draw was the fact that they could watch saucy videos in the privacy of their own homes. Samesies with the internet. Porn, in large part, has shaped the modern web. Without it, who knows when either streaming content or the ability to monetize a website would’ve finally shown up?

The sex industry is always on the cutting edge of technology. We sell sex toys that vibrate with your cell phone ring or to the tunes coming out of your iPod. We sell an internet enabled vibrator designed to be used by one partner and remotely controlled by the other. One of our vibrators, the Lelo Mia, charges in your USB port.

RealTouch, the fine purveyors of virtual sex, sell a masturbation device that was supposedly designed by a former NASA engineer. You plug it into your USB, put your penis in it and the device, which is synched up with the porn playing on your computer, uses haptic technology to simulate real sex.

A 2007 sex study uncovered 237 emotional motivations behind the act, which if you ask me is just biochemical smoke screening ultimately designed to get us to procreate. Having children, like creating a work of art or maintaining a belief in a spiritual afterlife, all function as types of symbolic immortality.

06/22/09 6:00am

Allow me to preface this essay by saying I can’t give you a firsthand account of the really exciting stuff. Like, I don’t squirt, I’ve never been fisted and I don’t have any interest in cock and ball torture or electroplay. But lucky for me, most customers who are looking for advice on how to get kinky are just getting their feet wet and usually only have question about stuff I’ve tried.

So first (and I know this sounds like boring sex homework you’d find in a Cosmo, but bear with me) get together with your partner and make a list of all the sex acts you can think of. Threesomes, latex, public sex, anal play, flogging, homemade porn, role-playing and humiliation play are all good, relatively non-threatening items to include.

The next step is for both of you to separately mark each item as “Yes, I’d definitely try that!” “Maybe I would,” or “No way.” Then swap lists. You’ll likely find that there’ll be one or two things your partner is surprisingly excited about doing. If you’re into them too, start there.

Now, as far as toys are concerned, I find that couples who’ve already brought either a vibrator, a soft dildo or soft buttplug into the bedroom, will generally try taking things to the next level with one of the following items:

Metal/glass toys

A hard, heavy toy is great for g-spot stimulation because the g-spot responds to firm pressure, not a soft touch. Both metal and glass toys can be manipulated with cold and heat, which opens the door for some exciting sensation play. And no, just because it’s glass doesn’t mean it’s going to shatter inside you: the good stuff is made with Pyrex.

Cock rings
Cock rings can potentially increase the sensitivity, size and duration of an erection. A lot of men think they should just roll it on and let it hang out on the shaft, but for maximum effectiveness, you’ll likely find that a cock ring around base of the penis (behind the testicles) is a better bet. Jelly rubber cock rings look small but have a surprising amount of give (a coworker once stretched one around his head). Eventually, if you decide to start experimenting with non-elastic materials, you’ll need to know the diameter of your penis. And unless it’s an adjustable, lasso-style cock ring, you should never wear one for longer than 30 minutes.

Restraints
While restraining a partner is often one of the first steps taken by beginning kinksters, it is far too multifaceted a subject to get into in a short article. To give you a sense of what you’re getting in to, The Pleasure Chest (which is a relatively small store) carries hogties, handcuffs, thumbcuffs, anklecuffs, under-the-bed systems, PVC tape, rope, leather restraints, silk ties and spreader bars. So, you might want to do some online research, or pick up a book. Prominent sex educator Midori has an excellent one out about Japanese bondage.

Sensory play
Vampire gloves and Wartenberg pinwheels are two items for the sensually adventurous to check out. If you press down too hard with either toy, you can draw blood. Trusting your partner not to do so can add to the eroticism of sensory play.

Anal beads
Anal, anal, anal, I feel like that’s all I ever talk about these days. Recently I was on the phone with my Mom and she described something as being, “good painful. You know, like in your article!”

Great. I don’t even like for Mom to catch me sucking on a Popsicle because it seems too sexual, but now she knows I do anal. What I wouldn’t give to go back to the days when we both pretended I was a virgin.

But anyway, I think of beads as being a slightly more advanced anal toy than a plug because of the element of timing involved. Ideally they’re meant to be (gently) pulled out during orgasm. Shane’s World anal beads or silicone Flexi Felix beads are both good for beginners. Don’t share the Shane’s World beads though. They’re made from rubber jelly, which can harbor bacteria.

06/15/09 11:58am

I guess I should explain what brought this article/magnificent addition to the war effort on in the first place. This week, I sent a care package to Afghanistan. Yeah, there’s more to me than dildos and butt sex.

My conscience started yammering at me after I read that NY Times article about Stephen Colbert in Baghdad. Yes, I think this war is Orwellian and a Bush boner and even if I believed that it needed to be fought, I’d still never risk my life in combat for any of you jerks. But two days ago, I found out that a childhood friend’s younger brother, who is only 21, and kind of a Baberaham Lincoln (I know that’s not really part of this, but I can’t help it) is a Marine Sergeant responsible for the lives of young soldiers risking their lives for this jerk.

This week, I spent about 100 cumulative hours thinking about the new iPhone, and about 20 minutes thinking about the war. I deserve to feel guilty for that.

Of course, for a fleeting moment (even though I remember him only vaguely as a seven-year-old ginger bouncing on a trampoline) I considered sending porn. DVDs are mentioned on his list of requested supplies and I figured I could get my sex store to donate a few. But the USPS, the U.S. military and Afghan customs (that triumvirate of boner breakerz) are very explicit in stating that any porn* sent will be confiscated.

If you want to send a soldier a care package, you totes should. Although the APO address for the soldier I sent a package to is online, I don’t think I should repost his information here. Since 9/11, the government has gotten real touchy about strangers sending packages to soldiers — it’s technically illegal.

But if you don’t know anyone in the military, here is a master list of websites that offer “Adopt a Soldier” services. Or, if you really want to play it safe you can go to the USO website here and donate $25 to their Operation Care Package program.

Ok, so without further ado, here is my definitive list of wartime sex toys. Enjoy!

5. This is the grenade-shaped masturbation sleeve that we carry and it’s actually supposed to be pretty good.

4. We sell snake bite kits. According to the comments on Amazon, although these are marketed and designed for soldiers/campers if you use them to try and extract snake venom, they’ll actually do you more harm then good. But whatever, we just sell them to people who like to put them on their nipples.

3. According to the manufacturers of Gun Oil Silicone Lubricant, during Desert Storm a lot of soldiers found that jerking off with military gun oil felt awesome. So later, a few of them got together to tweak the recipe for military gun oil into a line of personal lubrication products. I don’t know, to me this story sounds like some bullshit concocted just so dudes can feel really butch when they jerk off (apparently this is important—see number 5). Tip for Civilians: I’ve been told that silicone lube makes an excellent jewelry cleaner. But, I’ve never tried it so don’t blame me if you melt your engagement ring.
2. I’m not sure why a soldier would have Anal-ese hanging around instead of some other military-grade, topical numbing agent. But yesterday at work, my co-worker Kasey had a bad toothache and he used this stuff instead of running to the store for Orajel.
P.S. It’s cherry flavored and it worked like a charm.

1. Apparently, Navy SEALS use non-lubricated condoms to waterproof, “non-electric firing assemblies for underwater demolitions.” Whatever that means. Tip for Civilians: Here’s an article from a photographer who double-bagged his camera in condoms in order to shoot pictures underwater.

*Dudes, Maxim counts as porn

06/09/09 1:07pm

In this week’s diary of a sex-store counterwoman, Lauren Wilkinson goes back door.

I like talking about anal for two reasons. The first is because butts are funny. Yeah, I said it. My favorite conversations with customers are always ass related. Like last month, when a woman worked herself into a lather over the butt plugs.

“Who would need those?” she demanded. After I explained their function she said, “Oh! Ok. I thought it was, you know, like a regular plug. To prevent spillage.” Spillage! Friends, you haven’t lived until you’ve heard the word “spillage” uttered in the context of a sex store.

More importantly though, I like talking publicly about anal, because it’s my way of calling bullshit on societal bottom shaming. For a plethora of social and psychosexual reasons, a lot of people still consider anal taboo.

But the way I see it, yeah, I’ve had a dick in my butt. So what?


What We Talk About When We Talk About Pain

I get asked two types of questions about pain. The first is from ass-virgins who want to know if it’s going to hurt a lot. The second is from people who’ve done it, found that it did hurt a lot and want to know if it’s supposed to.

Hopefully, everyone reading this is aware of the difference between sexy-pain and painful-pain. Painful-pain is show -stopping pain, like when a guy bangs you in the cervix with his penis or if your balls get into a spicy situation when you’re switching positions.

If you don’t use lube, you’ll feel painful-pain. It’ll feel like you’re getting an Indian burn* in your ass. A silicone lube (we like System JO Anal) is generally considered your best bet for anal intercourse, because it stays slick a long time.

I think it hurts a little at first. The key is, if you’re turned on enough, it’s the kind of pain you’ll like. It’s dull pain, not tearing pain. To put it in context, I found losing my vaginal virginity (which, for me, was a tearing pain) far more painful than losing my anal one.

Assistant Manager, Brandon B., thinks it shouldn’t hurt at all. His personal philosophy is that anal should be 90% foreplay. He likes rimming, “because it feels good and relaxes you really well. Some people think it’s gross. That’s understandable, but silly. I haven’t met anyone who’s had a tongue in their ass and not liked it.”

I rimmed someone once when I was younger, kind of by accident. I felt weird about it afterwards and that’s a feeling I still can’t quite shake. So obviously, like most sex acts, to rim or not to rim is a question of personal preference.


What’s it feel like?

To me, anal feels (as I’ve said) like pooping in reverse. Brandon thinks it feels more like, “having to poop and then pinching the loaf.” After my first time, I felt like my butt hole was stretched out and it scared the shit out of me (ha!) because I thought it was going to stay that way forever. It doesn’t.

For the top, they’ll find it’s like pushing through a packed subway car then suddenly (and surprisingly) finding themselves on a relatively vacant platform. “It’s like when I pucker my lips,” Brandon says. “My lips are tight but then there’s all this room in my mouth. And I hate that I just compared my mouth to a butt hole, but there you have it.”


Is it gross?

“If you poop or douche before hand it’s not very likely [that you’ll hit brown gold] but otherwise, if you enter the junkyard you have to expect to find at least one Doberman,” Brandon says.

If you don’t douche, one day the inevitable will happen. You can either NBD your way through the reality of a brown smear, or run screaming from the room and never see the person again. It’s up to you.

But dudes, shit happens. That’s why they coined the term.


*Is there a non-racist term for this?

06/02/09 4:00am

In this ongoing diary of a frustrated sex-store counterwoman, it would appear L.B. Wilkenson is starting to lose her shit.

As the summer months descend on us, so do the nuisances.

Stoners think it’s high-larious to pretend they’re surfing on the Monkey Rocker. Drunk people don’t want to buy anything, they just want to touch and fondle everything. They want to tear open packages and render them unsaleable. They want to shove the display dildos down the front of their pants and pretend they have huge boners. But that, sirs, is a privilege reserved only for employees (read: ME).

As it gets warmer out, theft increases. Do you know how embarrassing it is, for both parties involved, to catch someone stealing dozens of condoms? You want to tell them to reevaluate their life choices, but then you realize — you’re not one to talk.

The summer also brings an increase in customers who are just rude. When people spend a lot of money they think it means they can talk to me any way they want to. But you know what? Fuck you, ’cause you can’t.

Specifically, I’m talking to the obese jerk who came in four days ago, wearing a stretched-to-capacity polyester suit. The one who kept asking me questions just to interrupt my answers with ridicule and belittlements. I hate you, you goddamn mouth-breather. I can’t wait for your heart to finally give in to the pressure you’re putting it under.

So yeah, what I’m saying is, in the summer I find myself at my most bloodthirsty.

I’m blaming the customers and the heat, but mostly it’s my problem: I’m frustrated because I want to be writing books, not slinging dildos. So this week I’m taking a mini-vacation, because I can tell I’ve been in an intolerably bad mood lately. I’m laying low, writing in coffee shops and trying to focus on getting my blood pressure down.

While sitting alone with my coffee and my laptop, my favorite recession clich√© to overhear is, “Well, maybe getting fired was good for me, you know? It’ll give me more time to work on my screenplay.”

Screenplay… why not, right? Jonny didn’t give me any real parameters regarding what I can and can’t do as a guest blogger, [Ed. Uh, yes I did.] so here is an excerpt from my upcoming youtube viral hit, Angels & Dildos (uh, that’s a working title).

INT. THE PLEASURE CHEST BASEMENT – NIGHT
Blonde, petite, tattooed LUCY is in the basement organizing vibrators on a low shelf. She hears a noise, stops.

LUCY
Hello?

Thinking it is her imagination she continues her work. Suddenly, a gloved hand swings down through a shaft of fluorescent light and plunges a Beehive vibrator in her chest [really, she’s holding it up in her armpit]. As Lucy screams and curses her assailant, we pan out to see THE KILLER standing above her, face obscured by shadows, fingers steepled. THE KILLER leans down, rips a necklace from her throat and holds it up. The charm, a golden penis, glitters. THE KILLER slides the charm’s foreskin back to reveal that it is actually a key.

LUCY
You’ll never get away with this! They’ll stop you!

THE KILLER
(curling a lock of her hair around a finger)
That’s where you’re wrong, my lovely. The vilest secret of our organization will die with you.

THE KILLER retreats into the waiting evening.

END SCENE

Truthfully I haven’t figured out much of the plot beyond this scene, but the killer will likely be our Assistant Manager, Brandon B. Sure, he looks innocent enough, but to quote Bart Simpson, he’s like a Milk Dud. Sweet on the outside, poison on the inside.

05/27/09 3:00pm

This week, our sex store counterwoman extraordinaire, L.B. Wilkenson, tells the youth what the youth needs to hear.

Older people will tell you to shut up and enjoy your youth, but at times, your mid-twenties will totally blow. Sure, you’re the skinniest and the healthiest and the most popular that you’re likely ever going to be, but what about the professional and emotional insecurity, the alienation and the crippling debt?

I can’t tell you how to get rich, how to resolve your issues with your folks, or what you should do with the rest of your life, but I can tell you the answers to the four most common questions that twenty-somethings ask me.

At least you can be ahead of the curve when it comes to boning.


1. Is There An Easy Way To Improve My Sex Life?

Yes. Use lube. A lot of people in their mid-twenties seem to think that lube is only for old ladies with dry vaginas or anal, but the truth is that a water-based lube will also dramatically improve a handjob and a blowjob and a couple of drops in a condom will improve vaginal sex.

Try to find one that won’t dry out too quickly, won’t make too much of a mess on your sheets, tastes ok (or like nothing at all). If you’re prone to yeast infections get one that doesn’t contain glycerin. Sliquid is a pretty good brand. As far as anything else goes (like consistency) it’s a matter of personal preference, so experiment.

Also, ladies, buy yourself a small-but-strong clitoral vibrator (like a pocket rocket) to experiment with during sex. If you believe that your partner will be intimidated by it (a concern I hear way too often) then you should know that it’s extremely likely the dudes you date are unimaginative, selfish and crappy in bed.

And finally, here’s a quick tip from our Assistant Manager Brandon B: Try cupping your palm when you’re spanking your partner. It’s kind of crazy that such a small thing makes such a big difference, but it really does.


2. How is this Condom Different From That One?

What is this, the Princess and the Pea? Twentysomething customers, stop asking me if I can feel the bumps or ridges on a condom — I can’t and doubt I ever will. If you’re the one who is doing the penetratin’, concern yourself more with how it feels on you.

The condoms that I get the best feedback on are Crown (because they’re cheap and thin) Trojan Ultra Thin and Kimono Micro Thin (which are a bit smaller then average and offer a snug fit).

3. How Do I Find The G-Spot?

The G-spot is on the front wall of the vagina. In my opinion, the easiest way to hit it is by lying flush on your belly and having your partner penetrate you from behind like this (NSFW, duh).

But you know, there’s a good chance that you or your partner won’t like it as much as you think you will. G-spot orgasm makes me feel like I’m going to pee the bed and they’re also far less intense than clitoral orgasms: It’s like sitting down to a meal when you’re starving and only being served an appetizer. It only makes you hungrier for the main course.

4. Anal…?

Anal actually deserves its own post, because it’s been my experience that people are truly confounded by their own butt holes. I might do one with Brandon B. at some later date.

But in short, yeah, do it, it’s not a big deal. Keep in mind that you should never feel any sharp pain and that it’ll feel weird at first, like you’re pooping in reverse. Don’t use Anal-ese or any thing that contains Benzocaine on your butt hole — if you’re totally numb back there you’ll be more likely to tear something.

Should you douche? Generally, gay guys find this to be an appalling no-brainer and are all, of course you should! But straight couples generally don’t prepare as much. For us it’s almost like half of the fun is in the fact that we’re playing Poop Russian Roulette.

Ha, ha. Poop Russian Roulette. Gross.

05/19/09 4:00am

In this second installment of her ongoing series about life behind the sex-store counter, L.B. Wilkenson imparts some of her hard-won advice to former Vice-President Dick Cheney.

This week, everyone’s been talking about Dick Cheney’s inability to keep his fat mouth shut; and I can’t help but look at the overcrowded blogosphere, abuzz over “Chatty Cheney’s” revisionist histrionics and think, “me too!”

Pretty much everyone (despite what Liz Cheney says) wants ol’ Dick to button his lips. The left, for obvious reasons*, has had it with him, and much of the right thinks his paranoid conspiracy theories are going to give the GOP a black eye.

So I ask, ‘Why so loquacious, Dick, after so many years of keeping all your business on the DL?’ Is it because you want to avoid going down in the history books as a monster? I understand that defending the nation is a dirty job, and that someone has to do it. But trying to convince us that torture is just the price you have to pay for freedom… Well, I’m not buying it. I think there’s something missing from your life, Dick, and I have a little advice on how you can fill the void.

My stock and trade is orifice filling and I’m a professional. You tell me which holes you’re looking to stuff and I’ll tell you what’ll get the job done. Customers come in rude and tense and leave pleased-as-punch with a black plastic bag slung around their arm. Really, you’d be surprised by how often a good hole filling is the solution to antisocial behavior.

And so I’m telling you, that in my professional opinion, you, Mr. Dick Cheney, need to get a hole stuffed.

Did you know that some men can orgasm purely through prostate stimulation? Yes, I’m saying it’s possible for a man to have an orgasm without ever touching his penis. Men have an unbelievable number of nerve endings in their asses, so it’s really a tragedy that so many dudes are afraid of prostate play.

It’s fair if you think it’s weird that I consider an unwillingness to go ass-spelunking a tragedy. But this is America after all. And we are talking about keeping freedom free, aren’t we?

The Aneros is, in my opinion, the best prostate massager on the market. But it takes some practice to develop the anal control needed to really make the toy effective and to allow the user to achieve the much sought after, Super-O.

The manufacturers of the Aneros claim that their prostate massagers can help alleviate erectile dysfunction in older men. I have no decorum, so of course I must suggest that Cheney has spent so much time exercising power in certain aspects of his life, because he’s feeling impotent in others. I’m not saying for sure that his (apparently enormous) dick doesn’t work. I’m just saying that according to the National Institute of Diabetes and Digestive and Kidney Disorders, around 15-25% of men Cheney’s age suffer from ED. I’m just talking numbers.

Dick Cheney’s age, by the way, is sixty-eight. One in fifteen men in that age group will be diagnosed with prostate cancer, but regular prostate massage can decrease that risk. Granted, when Cheney goes, it’ll likely be because of his cold, black heart. But still. How many things feel good and are good for you?

A lot of straight men are afraid of liking a little backdoor action, because they’re terrified it means they’re secretly gay. That’s a pretty homophobic viewpoint to maintain, but for those who are worried, I will say unequivocally that Dick Cheney going to town on himself with a prostate massager would not be gay.

People on both sides of the political spectrum just want Cheney to shut up. And shut up he would, if he focused more energy on his prostate and less on pressing a steel-toed boot against humanity’s throat.

So, pack it up, Dick Cheney. And then, you know, pack it in.


*Shooting a grandpa in the face was one of the least evil things he did while in office.

05/11/09 4:00am


L.B. Wilkenson has a lot to share about the life and times of a dildomonger and, for the next few months, we’re gonna let her.

Maybe you’ve already had a lot of jobs.

Maybe you spent a summer making soap for a man who wore a kilt, had angry-red boils on his thighs and liked to talk about how sexy black girls are. You’ve worked in a Ghanaian preschool, where you had to clean up a lot of barf, and as a maid in a budget hotel in Amsterdam, where the barf situation was pretty much the same. You’ve watched TV for a living, handed out fliers for a strip club, worked in publishing, worked in film, worked in libraries, bookstores and restaurants—you’ve gotten to the point where working in an adult toy store is officially NBD.

You’ll meet people who think adult toy stores only cater to men with greasy hair and sweaty palms shuffling around in soiled raincoats with nothing on underneath. Try not to imagine how dull the sex lives of these people must be. It’ll harsh your mellow.

Some people will assume that you have a lot of sex. That’s fine. When you first meet someone and tell them what you do, expect their eyes to go saucer-wide as visions of you engaging in madcap, professionally sanctioned fuck-fests dance through their heads. Suggest in a conspiratorial whisper that sometimes you do end your shift covered in sweat, lube, a stranger’s urine and your own bitter tears. Try not to laugh.

Some people will practically deify you and others will treat you like you’re the biggest degenerate on the planet. “Funny” people will ask you if your mother knows where you work and “concerned” people will tell you to go to college. If, during that speech they happen to use a word incorrectly, correct them. It’ll feel great.

Everyone has sex, so when you’re on the job, you’ll meet all kinds: celebrities (management will make you sign a waiver so you won’t name names), stockbrokers, hipsters, old folks, young folks, gays and straights. Because part of an episode of Sex and the City was filmed in your store, you’ll meet a ton of tourists who would never, under any other circumstance, set foot in an adult toy store. Some of them will ask you where Carrie Bradshaw’s house is. Try not to laugh.

You’ll find that your job affords you an excellent opportunity to observe other people, which is great because you’re simply fascinated by other people. You want to be a novelist one day, so you’re always trying to figure out what makes folks tick.

Carefully watch the woman in her sixties or seventies who always comes in wearing a brown fur coat and her white hair up in a French twist. She’s rapidly sliding into full-blown dementia and you suspect that your store is just one stop in a circuit of mayhem that she traces throughout the city. As she turns on every vibrator on display, worry that she’s not being cared for well enough and that she’s going to get lost one day. After she’s gone, turn off the vibrators she’s left rattling like crazy against the glass display table.

Laugh with your coworkers about the guy who called the cops a couple of weeks ago because your manager wouldn’t let him return an anal douche. Or about the guy who asked to have a sample of lube squeezed in his hand, then left the store with it cupped in his palm.

Hope that you actually help the older women looking to rediscover their sexuality after a hysterectomy. And the women in their late 20s and early 30s who come in and quietly confess that they’ve never had an orgasm.

Have a long talk with a guy who tells you he wants to buy his wife a gift because she gets angry with him every time he wakes her up for sex. Assume that he means a romantic gift and show him the selection of bubble bath and massage oil. He’ll shake his head and say that he’s not a romantic guy. Then he’ll wait a beat and ask, “What exactly is a butt plug for, anyway?”

You’ll explain and he’ll buy the butt plug. Try not to laugh. Or cry.